so today my dad asked me if i was a lesbian..

I guess I can understand where he's coming from, but there are also a lot of reasons that prove him to be wrong.

Reasons Why Someone May think I like Girls:
1. My friend Halle and I decided to be 'in a relationship' via facebook as a joke. A joke.
2. I'm a very touchy feely kind of person, so..?
3. My grandpa called my dad concerned because at my cousin's debutant ball I asked our table, "If one of the debutants was a lesbian and wanted their escort to be their girlfriend, what would they do?" And that was out of pure curiousity. I also predicted the number of chicken it would take to feed that entire room, it was 450 chicken. I'm just random Grandpa, calm down.
4. I used to have my best friend Jess labeled as 'Girlfriend (:' in my phone.

Reasons Why I'm Definitely into Males:
1. I love to flirt with them. Love to.
2. Boys are attractive, nuff said.
3. I had a boyfriend for over a year. I had him labeled as 'Boyfriend (:' in my phone at the same time as Jess was apparently my girlfriend.
4. I'm just random Grandpa, calm down.

i just wanted to cry today, all day.

and that's not a very happy thing to say at all. My week has just been so very different from the usual. Just a lot of complicated things that I never would have expected to happen, happened. It was strange and I'm not sure if I liked it yet or not. Also, my left eye is throbbing right now and I rarely ever wear makeup except for the fact that I went to a concert tonight so I felt it necessary to put on eyemakeup. I think a little got in there so I was rubbing it (because it SHOULD help). Rubbing it doesn't help though, I promise. Now I have a spot of black on my hand and my eye probably looks like a raccoon, but I'm just not going to look at myself until I wake up in the morning for my very first soccer game of the season. Which I normally would be ecstatic about except for the fact that my legs are still hurting from Thursday's practice. Just a little heads-up: Having your cousin who is only 6 months older than you as your coach will KILL you. But I still love her. Oh, but this concert I went to was solid. Because Say Anything is solid. Okay, so I never really even listened to them before this week. But Max Bemus says it's okay. I'm not sure if that's how you spell is name, give me a break. I'm a new fan, but that's the point. This was a completely pointless post but I wasn't in the mood to go to bed JUST yet when I got home so I decided to type something and this is what ended up coming out. I apologize for my complete lack of being interesting, all. the. time.

i just bought too much music.

Probably somewhere around forty or fifty dollars worth of music. Why does it cost so much just to listen to pretty things? I really need to consider illegal downloading. JUST KIDDING; I'm a Law Abiding Citizen. Which I just watched that movie. It's quite good, not amazing, but good. I'm going to a concert on friday and I'm pretty pumped about it. I have nothing of any importance to say whatsoever. But really, I have homework to do now.

Here's a video for the greater good:

Third Base

He and I hold silent conversations and quiet
applause when she steps up to bat. You
can tell by the stance and eager look
painted on her eyes that she means
business. Like a bull, she scrapes
dust back with her right foot—
prepared for battle. The baseball
sprints from the pitcher’s hand
straight until the collision with
Nikki’s bat. Flawless hit. She
pushes the wooden cylinder to
the ground—it’s not important
anymore—getting a home run
is. Scoring points is. And she’s
gone. Cutting first base into
a perfect corner, she makes
her way to second. You
can smell her concentration
from her pursed lips. Focus.
Determination. Fast. She
rounds second and is
now on somewhat of
a curve towards third,
halfway there. At some
moment, her stare
cracks to her peripherals
and she spots the
other team with the
ball. They’re gaining,
stretching their leap
past the limit their
body seems to give.
Only centimeters
away from getting
her out, she dives
for the white patch
on the ground.
Her scream eats
away at my
eardrums as the
rickety bone
of her ankle
cracks apart.
Out.

Coming Back

You left me to go to the moon
and back. Well, you never
mentioned the coming back
part, but you did. It was
kind of like the first year
you know Santa isn’t real
and if you were to wake
up to more gifts on Christmas.
Unexpected, that’s what you
are. Maybe like that puppy
I lost three months ago, but
I already fell in love with
a new one; and your fur
is now crunchy with dirt.
Disappointing, that’s what you
are. I think about Ohio
weather when Spring starts,
but one day the snow decides
to return to newscasts.
Unnecessary, that’s what you
are. Your hair has grown
out to questionable lengths;
your face has more than ten
scars filled with fear. Love is
an astronaut; it comes
back and it’s never the same.
The difference is, rather than
crying on your sleeves
for you to stay, I’m pushing
your shoulders to get away.

The Apple Tree by the Swings

We swing on swings to reach apples.
Each pump throwing us higher into
the shady leaves, while we try to punt at
the red robins. Back down to my mom
each time, begging her for more. Hours
and hours, adding up to days, pass by
and I always return to her and she
always keeps me going. The rickety,
rusted chains stain the creases of my
fingers with sweat and excitement.
This apple is mine. At the highest
point I twitch as I let my left hand
off of a safety and grasp for the glittering
red tasty treat. An arrow of sunlight
cracks through the tree onto the fruit’s
surface, creating a spotlight for the
natural artwork. I swear I’m a breath
away from having it. I grip the chain
again and become a pendulum towards
the lawn my dad just mowed. Hands like
jets shoot into my shoulder blades, again.

But as I grow taller and taller
it seems as though the apple
is only getting further and further
away. Or maybe the swing is
shrinking, playing tricks with my head.

But as I grew taller and taller,
my mom could only watch from
her wheelchair. And the wood
from the playground rots and
molds on rainy days. Eventually,
there won’t even be an apple to grab.

Mutter Seil

Her makeup is perfectly sprinkled
over every wrinkle on her
fragile, aged face. Her
brown eyes are closed and
perfectly relaxed. She’s
in her Sunday best—freshly
washed, ironed precisely—A
more important occasion than
just church. I can see her lips
crinkle up just slightly at the end;
the same way she looked
whenever I’d tell her I loved
her. I hold her freezing hand
and softly smooch her forehead
just because Dad says. Then,
my vision widens as I step
back and see my great
grandmother encased in a
wooden box at ninety-three.

My Kind of Girl

She chews on her lips to attract boys.
Her pointed, alligator like K-9
digs into her fair skin. Her dirt
brown hair shades every other part
of her face other than the raspberry
glossed mouth being bitten. It’s almost
as if she’s trying to give herself a
lip piercing with her tooth, but that’s
not it. It’s her newest technique. Smooth
talking and batted eyelashes never
got her anywhere. When she’s asleep, or
eating and her mouth’s closed, the
dots of green and blue bruises radiate
for all to see. A turn-on of a sort. Cameras
are flashing, illuminating her wonderful
lips as she walks towards my own
shaking body. And that lone white tooth
effortlessly matches the silky, white gown
she’s nearly tripping over down that
long, narrow, almost never ending, aisle.

Trampoline

It was close to seventy degrees
outside on the Wednesday that
my dad decided to attempt
the assembly of our newest toy.

This 25 square foot black springy
tarp promised many laughs
and lots of busy nights.
It took my dad six rough hours.

By the time the sky turned
blue, I felt myself spinning
throughout the clouds. A
twist and shout here and

there to keep the neighbors up.
I was on my own planet
when I was bouncing. Up
and down, coming back

to Earth only when I wanted.
Animals began pouring from
the sky and I was unprepared,
but still unwilling to return

inside. Apparently I wasn’t
welcome on my planet any
longer because with one drop
of water, my foot flopped

upwards and tossed my
worn out body to the mud.

Playtime

I comb through her tight ends to
make my baby sister smile. Untangling
each and every knot separately
until she looks like the princess
she knows she is. I touch my fingers
to her scalp like a pianist—precise,
gentle. A sister love kind of caring.
Styling it up or curling it down,
as long as she’s a model.

Salon time’s over and I thrust her
around in circles on the plastic
purple chair in our playhouse
basement. Mom’s calling for lunch.
We walk past the mirror before the
stairs and I see her imagination
sweat out of each pore when she
sees her plain head. Five-year-olds
shouldn’t have to throw up
daily; five-year-olds shouldn’t
have to pay the expense of
staying overnight, many nights,
at a medicine reeking hospital;
five-year-olds shouldn’t be bald.

Late for Work

Sirens blaze through the air
directly into my ears. Everything
stops moving, like when something
blocks a dog’s trail—giving up.
Giving up on uncertain wishes
to finally make it to work
on time. What time is it anyways?
Three seconds later—sirens cut
through everything. They are
everything. They are a sign of
life, a baby being born; of help,
saving kids in car accidents; of
death on the run. But really,
what time is it? I’ve been still,
cringing at the consistency of the
awful sound. I’m so going to be late
for work. “10:34,” someone crunches
the words through my eardrums. But
really, my eardrums are no longer
there. And neither am I, because
even I didn’t hear it over the
sirens, “Time of Death: 10:34.”
I won’t be going to work today.

i still remember the Easter morning my dad caught a rabbit.

I thought it was the Easter Bunny. But that's not where I'm going with this post... I still need to pack for Florida. So far, all I've done is carry the suitcase up from the basement to my bedroom; I'd say that's some real progress right there. All in all, I know that waiting to pack this long is my faul, and I know I'm going to have to wait to pack for at least another five hours because of Easter Lunch/Dinner at the grandparent's house with my cousin's and all this great family, blah blah blah. No but really, it is a lot of fun. When we're done eating the men of the family all decide that it's 'sleep on the couch' time and all the lovely ladies decide it's 'clean all the dishes and wash the entire kitchen down before playing a nice game of progressive rummy.' To be clear, my brother also plays cards with us. Our card games usually take about two hours, I can barly handle it. But, before all the exciting events of the day, I figured it might be somewhat helpful for me to at least type out the necessities I need to get together.

1. Nailclippers; because I always hate when I have a hangnail and NOBODY around has a pair of nailclippers for me to use.
2. Clothes (roughly four pairs of shorts; four tshirts; four tank tops; one hoodie; 2493827 pairs of shoes, because that's how i am; bathing suit; socks; underwear; bras)
3. Toothbrush and toothpaste; I could rely on someone elses toothpaste, but usually I dislike the flavor other people use. Therefore, I'm resorting to bring my hefty tube along with me.
4. Razor; I'm going to be in Florida for goodness sake, I need to stay fresh and suave.
5. Make-up, sunscreen, that kinda stuff; because it's important in some ways.
6. Face wash; because i break out like a disco dancer.
7. Pillow and blanket; for the bus ride.
8. Math book, notebook, and Creative writing folder; because I'm a nerd and do my homework when I'm on vacation.
9. Camera; a definite need.
10. iPod charger, phone charger, camera charger
11. Oh yea, my Ipod and phone.
12. SUNGLASSES
13. Hairties and headbands
14. Tampons
15. Beach towel; yikes, almost forgot to type that one.
16. Pajamas; almost forgot that too.
17. CapriSun, LOTS of CapriSun.
18. Shampoo, conditioner, bodywash
19. Straightener and blowdryer (these are maybes, because I rarely use them anyways)
20. Glasses and contacts

As of right now, I can't think of anything else. But I know I'll probably throw a bunch of junk in my suitcase if there's extra room. Woooo spring break!

my nailpolish is almost already completely chipped off.

Surprisingly, my toenail polish is almost perfectly intact. I don't really understand that, but I'll go with it.

Things that I don't like about the morning:
1. how itchy my eyes always are.
2. no matter what, i'm never the perfect temperature. i'm either way way too hot or way way too cold.
3. the birds and animals or my father always tend to wake me up a half hour before i truly want to.
4. having to decide if i want to take a run then a shower, or just give up on the run and shower instead. in general, just deciding what to do first. then, i realize that i never really decide until i lazy around for a few hours and maybe blog about it, ahem, then finally do what i originally set out to do.
5. sitting up and looking at my floor. my messy, messy floor.
6. being overwhelmed with my messy floor and thinking about how i should probably clean it today. but knowing i won't clean it for another month.
Here's a picture of my room, just so you may understand a bit better...
(only half of the picture decided to show up; and that's only one half of my room anyways, but you get the jist)
7. not knowing what to wear; i'm definitely a girl in that sense.

Stuff that I enjoy about the morning:
1. good morning text messages or calls (on most days)
2. hot cocoa.
3. if it's a nice day, like today, the sun gleaming through my window.

Song of the Day:

i just painted my toenails.

and my fingernails, but that was during german class today. so it's about 2:20 right now and i have a lot of possible things that i could be doing today. i think sometimes i make too many plans because i'm pretty sure that only one of the plans will even end up working out. and i have nothing that is a necessity to do today anymore (i already went for a run and a walk and showered) so it's pretty much whatever i'll enjoy the most. but the issue with deciding this way is that i'm pretty sure i will enjoy them all equally, but in different ways.

1. see, my first option is to hang out with joshua. i like to say joshua instead of josh. i'm pretty sure that our relationship seems awkward in many more ways than one. but he's funny and i'm sometimes funny, therefore i'd be in for a lot of laughs if i chose this decision. downside(s): he probably still likes me a small amount and he definitely has a girlfriend. this could create a bad situation.

2. go to chinese with my very bestest friend jess and her other best friend kelsey who i would also consider my friend. of course, hanging out with my best friend is always bound to be a blast and kelsey is a pretty sarcastically hilarious person. downside(s): money and greasy foods are no gooood.

3. movies with heather. i love heather; and bobby might be working. two equally great things. downside(s): the weather is beautiful so why wouldn't i want to be outside and heather has yet to respond to this option so it's probably not even an option anyways.

4. driving around with halle while she takes pictures because it again, is beautiful outside. to begin, halle is my unofficially official 'facebook' girlfriend. yes, we're dating. i like this option because i get to be outside, it's free, and me and halle are still building our friendship so YES. downside(s): i don't get chinese.

5. sitting at my computer for the rest of the day either playing Sims 2 Pets or trying my darndest to find Season 6, Episode 1 of Lost. Because I need to catch up on this season. I didn't watch the first 5 seasons in roughly a month just to have to wait for the 6th season to come out on dvd. just, no. by the way, to enhance my experience i will keep the window that's two feet to my right wide open because yet again, it is beautiful outside. i may or may not play music during the Sims option. downside(s): this is fat and a lazy excuse for 'enjoying the weather,' and, i don't get chinese.

i swear the title of my blog should be 'lists and poems' because that's all this is ever. cool.

Song of the Day (courtesy of iTunes shuffle):