it's complicated.

i have decided, through an extremely long thought process which you care nothing about, that i am going to start up a new blog. it's not necessary to follow me there instead, but maybe it'll actually be a blog of some importance rather than a blog about boring nothingness. i'll give it a try.

here you go:
(i have yet to figure out how to actually create a button.. i'm not so good with this tech-savvy stuff, so if you could help me with that i'd be grateful)
Boats Against the Current

birthday party.

i'm thinking about maybe possibly throwing one of those this year. my birthday is not for another month and two days but parties ARE in fact that kinds of things that you have to plan ahead of time so that people can request off of work and be committed to coming to my party rather than going out to eat or something.

my birthday is november 16th, which is kind of crummy because november 19th is the day the next harry potter movie comes out in theaters and because i work at a movie theater i can't even request off that weekend so i already know my party will have to be the weekend before.

so, now that i've completed step one. picking the day. i need to decide if i just want to invite people over to chill or actually plan things. i think i'm going to plan things. like, pin the tail on the donkey, and have a pinata, and maybe some sack races or something. something 8 year olds would do. even though i'm going to be 18 i really don't think it's that big of a deal. OH OH and have party favors, like bags with candy and random toys that nobody ever really wanted like a crummy yo-yo that breaks after one try. or sticky-hands. or something.

or maybe it'll be a themed party. like an 80s themed party. boy howdy do i love the 80s. and
1. everyone will have to dress up (obviously)
2. i'll play 80s music (which i already have hours worth of on my itunes)
3. near the end of the night i'll show a movie or two from the 80s.. preferably Valley Girl and/or The Breakfast Club.
4. i might be able to find some 80s related games (or games that are from the 80s) on amazon.com.
5. maybe maybe maybe i'll be really cheesy and even play a game of spin the bottle.
6. and have a bowl of punch!

i'm getting really excited about this. "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" that's a noise i make when i'm excited about something.

any other ideas?

communication

1. is hard.
2. is something i'm bad at.
3. is rough.
4. is something i need to work on.
5. has taken an easy way out. technology.
6. is the pits.
7. is hard.

now that this has been another boring post i'm going to go and watch this movie:

so, procrastination happens.

1. i have a six page paper to write.
2. i'd rather blog about nothing instead.
3. but, if you're wondering what it's about (which is probably not happening) i will tell you. should english be the official language for the united states? what do you think?
4. i ordered movies off of amazon.com and they came in the mail yesterday and when i got home and saw them i screamed 'YAY' at the top of my lungs. nobody in my family even looked at me.
5. want to know what movies they were?
again, probably not but that's okay.
Valley Girl, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, and Weird Science.
If you didn't know by now i have a mad obsession with the 80s.
6. i think that the University of Pittsburgh should accept me faster.
7. i also think that research papers are stupid.
8. i'm going to a homecoming at a school that is not mine this weekend. with a boy that is not my boyfriend. is that bad? (note: i went to my own homecoming alone) (another note: the boy that's taking me to this homecoming is legitimately just a friend)
9. someone told me about this play that's about the great gatsby called 'Gatz' playing in New York. and i got almost more excited than ever but then my dreams were shattered upon looking up the play and finding that all the tickets for every showtime for every day ..are sold out.
10. hey ya by obadiah parker officially has over 200 plays on my itunes.
11. oh and in case you were wondering, my day at marco's last friday was beyond wonderful.

reasons i love fall.

1. the smell of dying leaves
2. everything was still happy
3. it is my favorite temperature time period
4. crunchy leaves
5. i can drink hot cocoa (or pumpkin spice latte) multiple times a day without being questioned
6. hats
7. the colors
8. haunted houses
9. apple cider and bonfires
10. my birthday
11. everything

the joys of smelling like pizza every day.

you all know i work at a movie theater, well a month or so ago i picked up another job at a pizza place. marco's pizza. YUM. if you don't know how wonderful our pizza is yet, you should go and try it. and maybe our cinnasquares, i could live off of those.. even though i'd probably die.

so on wednesday, apparently it was extremely busy so they called me in (none of us knew why it was so busy on a wednesday) but since i'm not working at the theater at all this upcoming weekend i figured i could use the extra hour or two. there's not really much else to the story except for the fact that we just had to do a major clean up before people from corporate stopped by just to say hey. and the president (or whatever his title is) of marco's pizza shook my hand and told me my pizza looked amazing. it was a pretty great moment.

then yesterday (thursday) i donated blood. that has nothing to do with marco's, but i worked about two hours after the donation and i was feeling fine for the first hour of work. but the the lightheaded and sickness started kicking in. and i'm one to know what it feels like to pass out, i used to do it all the time. and i hate it, i cry.. every time. so at first i just sat down for a few minutes and i thought i was going to be alright so i got back up and started working again. but then i happened to be helping a customer (they were probably wondering what the heck was wrong with me). i could barely pronounce $10.99 to them and couldn't even find their pizza on the rack. i looked at alyssa (who was the manager for the night) mumbled and jumbled something out of my mouth. and collapsed. i was two seconds away from passing out. if i wouldn't have gotten my head down and rushed some blood to it i would have been a gone-er. i ended up having to call my parents to pick me and my car up because i was in no shape to drive. i also feel especially awful because it was getting somewhat busy at that point (dinner rush) and i couldn't help even if i wanted to try.

one great day at marco's. one terrible day at marco's. i work again tonight, let's see how this goes.

Ed

sitting in his green canoe
cracking his neck side
to side
in the middle of the lake.
he didn’t give a damn

if anybody knew he was there.
or if the birds sat on him
licking their old
feathers or
letting themselves go

while sitting still. they
were cracking statues in
the throbbing sun,
floating weightless,
the water pounding

against the sides of his
moldy canoe.
wood collapsing off,
floating away,
blending into the water.

from miles away,
blocked by trees
and fog
on mountains, i couldn’t
even see him

holding a telephone.
plastic and dusty,
with the curled and
bent cord dropped
into the water

tugging his ear downwards.
pulling his body in,
he tried to speak
whimpering, maybe
yelling into the phone.

ordering some pizza
with extra sauce.
making sure it’s extra
as the phone escapes his hand
and saying goodnight

to his mother,
his father.
staring at himself

in the wrinkles of the
cold blue water.
and the earth

that he couldn’t even see
on the horizon screaming
at him to paddle in.

it is officially official.

but not really all at the same time.

i'm done applying to the university of pittsburgh. officially done. they have the application, recommendation letters, my transcripts, my ACT scores (the most recent one that i took this past weekend will be sent soon enough), and my essayish thing. done. sent. yay. i'm extremely relieved about this to say the least, except for the fact that i don't know for surely if i'm going to go there yet or not. because ya know, even though i'm pretty set on it, it's the admission committee's decision. i hope they can sense my want and need to go there.

i love pittsburgh.
i want to live there.

oh and i've offically decided i'm going to buy myself a tv. a big nice, flatscreen, plasma type tv. i don't have a tv in my room so you see, this is a big kind of deal. but i'm most likely going to wait for black friday and be one of 'those' people that stand outside best buy or target all night long so i can get the first one. i've already requested off work. it's a done deal.

senioritis number 3

i think i'm on number 3 right?

remember a while ago when i posted a picture of my wall with all the pictures? this makes me a sad senior. a very very sad senior. but also extremely happy at the same time. this is almost an anti-senioritis post i guess. because senioritis is wanting it to be over. but, really, do i want it to be over? uh oh, my wall of pictures is becoming a cure to my disease that i'm slowly dying of. i can look at some of these pictures and pee my pants off laughing about something funny that day. because i remember it. and i want it to happen again. and i miss it. and i miss some of those friends. and those people. those people were my life at those points in my life. i wasn't thinking about anything else than that moment. now i can't think of anything else other than getting this over with. than ending it. i can't think of anything other than leaving and moving on with my life.

i think i need to learn to chill out. at least for the rest of this year. and to love it. to love (and if i can't love it, then at least tolerate) every moment i have.

now, this has been a cliche blog post.

senioritis number 2

everyone knows i'm a big fan of awkward moments right. right, well, there's some awkward moments that i don't actually like. but i have to deal with these moments because my whole entire life is one big awkward moment and i realize i can't love all of it.

so i walk into my first english class of the semester and notice the teacher. she looks like a very nice lady. the second person i notice is another lady. blonde. hmm, oh i do know her! but i wish i didn't. i'm having a hard time explaining this so i'll just throw it out there.. i have a class with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's mom. that sounds like it shouldn't matter to me but it somewhat does. because i used to go to church with my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and his new girlfriend's mom. and we were all friends. we all loved eachother. it was nice. the whole church was nice. my ex-boyfriend's dad is also the pastor which in the end made it almost inevitably awkward and awful for me to go there. so i started going somewhere else despite the fact that that's a most likely awful reason to stop going to a certain church. anyways, my ex-boyfriend hasn't willingly talked to me in um, let's say forever. it's not like either of us really did anything to make one another highly dislike eachother, it was all a misunderstanding to say the least (i'm really not kidding. i told him i didn't think i loved him and so he took that as breaking up. i think that's dumb because i was only 16 and 16 year olds really don't have to have 'love' in their relationships). it's nothing. he stopped talking to me. anyways, that was all rambling and not the point. at all. the point is, i walked right past the woman and proceeded to as far away from her as possible. i didn't think she even noticed me. until. here's the big until. the class was over and i wanted to speed right out of there but she decided that she didn't want that to happen. instead, "oh hi sydney it's been a while since i've seen you, what've you been up to?"
pause.
really really long pause.
i didn't even know what to say.
i didn't even know if i should smile or not.
"oh, uh, hi"
"i thought you were still in high school."
"oh, uh, i am this is just, uh, post secondary. for college credit."
"that sounds pretty cool. i don't think they offer that at katie's* school."
pauce.
really really long pause.
katie* is the new girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend.
"oh, uh, that's too bad."
"so what other classes are you taking here?"
does she stop...
because considering the entire class was gone besides us two i thought it was time to leave. i showed my thoughts by slowly looking around the empty, quite, cold classroom.
"i won't hold you up any longer, we can catch up another day though okay."
okay. okay. catch up another day. sounds wonderful see you then! no but really, i didn't respond. i just stood there. almost stunned. it was awkward. then i felt like i was being rude. and now i feel like i'm going to be expected to almost be extremely friendly towards this woman.

this makes no sense to me.
(and probably not to you either because this story was all over the place)

*name changed because i said so.

just a simple shout out to those of you who actually read anything i ever post.

p.s. these pictures are way old.

senioritis number 1

so basically i had planned on starting an entire new blog entitles 'Senioritis' but I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to keep up with that because I barely keep up with this one regardless. So randomly throughout my wonderful, amazing, terrible senior year I may or may not have senioritis posts just for fun and suchness. Enjoy it or not.

Walking into school today was a pointless experience. I only have one class at the highschool and it was one hundred percent completely unnecessary for me to be there. First period economics. I don't care about economics. We had a survey sheet and one of the questions asked how much we wanted to learn about it and I chose the lowest response because as you know, I'm honest like that. And my friend Daniel and I have decided to call our teacher Ke$ha because he said he's bad with names and he gets annoyed when people pronounce his name wrong so we should correct him. But well, actually there's not really any legitimate reason but that's okay. I also realize that I sort of kind of almost dated two people in my class, so this should be interesting. Or not. Probably not because I'm not a very interesting person. I liked the way Ke$ha described the dress code though: "If you come to school looking like you might arrive in a scene on the Jersey Shore, then the outfit is not appropriate." or "If it looks like I have to tip you twenty dollars on the way out of the classroom and I have to lie to my wife about seeing you in what you were wearing, then the outfit is not appropriate." I think I might like this guy. He's honest, and has a SmartBoard. Works for me.

Oh, and then I came home and took a nap. What a great first day!

i'm missing half of me

sometimes i look over and see
my left arm dangling, falling
over the railing on the stairs

and when i go to scratch my back
i can’t reach from all the way
over there. stretching my fingers

across the room really is a long
way to go for an itch that won’t
stop. or in a business meeting i

feel those needles, staples, pinecones
of my legs telling me to uncross them,
but my leg is tangled in the

chandelier. a piece of artwork for
show. and watching my favorite movie next
to you in the cold living room as my

bad habit takes over and my ring finger
needs to be relieved, cracked—pulled
apart and off of me. but it’s already gone.

things to do before school starts (not that anybody reading this would really care)

1. buy my books
2. go to cedar point
3. figure out my feelings for this certain person/decide if i actually want a relationship gasp
4. reorganize all my playlists on itunes (because for anybody who was wondering my music was just hiding somewhere on my computer and i had to find it)
5. get rid of the millions of tshirts that i don't wear (and pretty much keep the 10 that i do.
6. figure out my phone problems
7. read the great gatspy, again (not because i have to)
8. have a Saw marathon with heather
9. play monopoly with shlee.
10. clean my room (i always seem to be doing that)

hello, cheesy lyrics.

thank you katy perry. i don't even care if her song is just like every other song ever created for teenage girls to love and think it's the best song ever. i'm kind of in a really good mood because of this song.



and i really really really can't wait to see this movie:

nothing is going right today.

1. i woke up late.
2. iTunes deleted all of my music.
3. i wore jeans when it was clearly too hot.
4. they wouldn't let me schedule my english class
5. they wouldn't let me buy my books for school.
6. the target school supply section is less than amazing.
7. my mosquito bites are killing me.
8. i'm sweating hot and i'm inside my house. it should be nice in here.

good cop, bad cop.

so yesterday, i guess i was a bad kid. and this will not be a list. nor will it be a poem. i'm just overly bored so i need to type SOMETHING. yesterday i was somewhere were i wasn't supposed to be and at a time when i wasn't supposed to be at it. i arrived at denny's at 1:45 in the morning when i called my mom. i called her to tell her that my friends and i were going to denny's (she didn't know that i was already there, and i WAS supposed to be home at 1:30). well, needless to say, she was a little upset that i wasn't at home. at that point a little buzzer went off in my head that said "get home as fast as you can because she thinks you're five minutes away from home but really you're twenty, but it's also past curfew so you should probably not go very fast and get pulled over like you did on the way there" (which was actually on the way to frisbee before going to eat).

pause.

i didn't mention getting pulled over on the way there. well, i did. but i didn't get a ticket. apparently i'm sweet and innocent and the police men just feel kind of bad for me or something. because when he asked
"so why were you going so fast?"
my immediate and completely one hundred percent honest response was "let me start off by saying i'm extremely sorry and it won't happen again. it's just that a really good song came on and i started singing along and i was paying attention and being safe with everything i could have been, besides my speed. and i am also late for playing frisbee with my friends."
then his response: "you're playing frisbee at 9:30 at night? isn't it a bit dark?"
me: "we have a light up frisbee!
guy: "awesome, well, let me just go check out your license and i'll be right back"
waiting waiting waiting waiting
guy: "i'm not going to give you a ticket. and i don't want to hold you up any longer. have a great night!"
me: "oh thank you very much, you have a wonderful night as well!"

unpause.

so that didn't go too badly. on the way home, was a different story. i was speeding again. for obvious reasons of getting home before my mom got mad at me. i should have thought it through that my mom would get even more mad at me if i ended up getting pulled over and getting a ticket. which is exactly what ended up happening. he didn't even give me a chance. he didn't even let me explain myself. he just said, "you were speeding, please don't get out of the car and i'll be right back." in the meantime, my gas gage was really low so i was also worrying about that. this guy took about twenty minutes to write the ticket in his car. unnecessary? i think so. especially since when he came back he wasn't even finished and had to ask me about a million irrelevant questions such as "are you married?" to complete the ticket. AND THEN, when i said "have a good night" he didn't even respond to me. immature. i'm helping him actually have a job to do, he should be thankful for idiotic kids like me.

anyways, i'm basically on house arrest for somewhere between two weeks and a month. we'll see how that goes. on the bright side, my dad ended up getting the ticket leaved because he's awesome and i love him and he's a firefighter and knows people. i'm somewhat okay with being grounded though because if i was not, i doubt i would have ever finished my summer reading. but now i have plenty of time. and my dad told me i had to volunteer to help a special ed teacher in an elementary school which i am completely okay with. so being grounded shouldn't be toooooo awful.

since when is it august?

oh, four days ago. i know. i'm not THAT stupid, or am i?

things i like about the fact that school is about to happen again:
1. the fact that other people are at band camp, and i'm not :)
2. new school supply shopping
3. finding out who's in my classes
4. homedays are soon enough.
5. trying to fit a million gajillion plans into just a few weeks, but it always ends up working out perfectly.

things that i hate about the fact that school is about to happen again:
1. some friends are going off to college again. including my best friend, which makes me entirely to sad to comprehend.
2. not being able to stay out until late on weeknights.
3. useless drama that i don't want to be a part of.
4. more than half of the people i've become really close to at work are leaving for college and moving on with life. i didn't think this would make me as sad as i am. but only two people who have been there longer than me are staying. only six of us 'veterans' are staying at all. fifteen (give or take a few) new kids are coming in and i DO like meeting new people but i loved the people i worked with. ugh ugh ugh
5. responsibilities.

i could keep adding to both these lists. but for the sake of saving space on the world wide web, i shall stop.

running in a thunderstorm.

pause for a second. i just want to give myself a pat on the back for posting something other than a list. aka, i'm posting a poem. go me. it'll probably be awful, but that's just fine with me. and the title of this post is not the title of the poem like it normally is if i'm posting a poem. i don't know what the title of the poem is. i suppose you could just say it's untitled. but that's besides the point. here:

There comes a point in time
when you’re running, maybe
a minute in, or maybe
you’ve already been running for ten
miles. When you don’t know,
when you’re not quite sure
if it’s the sweat that’s swimming
down your leg or if there was a sudden
downpour of rain. Or if in the dark,
black sky you’re seeing lightning
take over like a shark takes over a
small lake or if you’re actually
just a second away from blacking
out completely into the asphalt below
your tingling legs. You get so far
and so concentrated on just continuing
that maybe you even forget why you
started running in the first place.
Making your way down a soccer field
to score a goal? Playing tag in your muddy
backyard with the newly adopted puppy—
trying to avoid all the slobber you possibly
can? Running to lose a few extra pounds
from that night you broke down after
he felt like just packing up and leaving?
Or was that an entire week of breaking down?
Or maybe. Maybe you never even knew
why you were running in the first place.
And that actually. Actually, you might
never know until you end up someplace else.

i got a really sparkly bandaid today.

so i think if you go to the doctor's office
1. you shouldn't have to wait two hours after your appointment to even be talked to at all.
2. they doctor shouldn't judge you if you can't give a urine sample. sorry, i can pee on command. it doesn't mean i'm doing drugs.
3. they shouldn't just bring in a shot without warning. i didn't know that was going to happen, surprisingly i was alright.
4. they should probably make sure that old men aren't wandering around in random rooms so that they walk into my room and sit down. awkward? i think so.
5. make sure it doesn't smell in there. like wet dog.
6. if they put a sign up about something, they should make sure it's proper grammar. (i understand that sometimes i suck at my grammaticalness on my blog, but they have plenty of time to look over a simple poster. i'm not going to take my time to reread my posts when i'm just way to lazy to do something like that). anyways,  " ATTENTION PATIENTS'! " doesn't make sense because the patients aren't possessing anything. didn't you go to college? do i really want you to be giving me a shot?

so, i think that those things should be fixed before i go there next time or i might think twice.

decisions, decisions.

1. to clean my room today or tomorrow?
2. what to wear to the movies tonight?
3. so i know i want to double major in speech pathology and creative writing. but creative writing-poetry or -fiction?
4. whether or not to take this one class in the fall?
5. should i have a pool party tomorrow?
6. everything about college? ..although i'm pretty set on pittsburgh
7. a certain something with a certain someone? although i don't want to get into details?
8. whether or not to actually post this blog with all of it's nothingness?

let's do it.

i just didn't want to come home.

positives about the university of pittsburgh
1. the campus is beautiful!
2. and safe.
3. there's another girl named Sydney and we literally bonded over this because neither of us have every met a Sydney our age before.
4. they have the two majors i want: speech pathology and creative writing.
5. it's a really great school.
6. i like how the dorm rooms are set up, and the building they're in.
7. i like how the speech pathology building is called a waffle, because that's what it looks like.
8. i already made tons of friends there.
9. they play ULTIMATE FRISBEE. favorite.
10. and they play it on this really big beautiful lawn in front of the cathedral of learning.
11. which apparently is the second largest learning building in the world. or country. i don't remember. but the one that beat it only won because of a big antenna they glued on top. but the cathedral of learning is too good for any lame antenna.
12. free transportation with my Pitt ID. woot
13. it's far enough away for me to feel like i'm moving a step up in life. but not far enough away for my parents to freak out. i wouldn't want that.
14. the library is HUGE.
15. the food there was delish.
16. they play quidditch. win.

i could keep going and going and going and going and going, but i should probably stop here. this list is pretty much for me to relive my happiness of the two days i spent in pittsburgh this weekend. if you haven't already caught on, i love it there.

good things about my visit to columbus, because you care.

1. catching up with an old friend who moved down here between 7th or 8th grade who i haven't seen since then.
2. the amazing movie theater down here called 'rave motion pictures' that LITERALLY is like a rave inside.
3. insanely cheap dresses at an insanely fansy looking store.
4. they actually have purple crocs.
5. having 24 hour access to a treadmill.
6. four random guys and two random girls from a Navy program thinking i was a part of the program.
7. getting hit on by a really cute guy who's going into the Navy.
8. playing chicken in the pool with these people.
9. and beating them all.
10. making one of the best purchases of my life: a reptar bookbag.
11. j. alexander's milk-less milkshake. because we all know that doesn't make sense.

anybody have an umbrella?

reasons i'm crying:
1. i don't know.
2. i don't know.
3. i don't know.
4. i don't know.
5. i don't know.
6. i don't know.
7. i want to watch the breakfast club, but i don't own it (just kidding i'm not that much of a baby. or am i?)
8. i haven't seen this puppy in over a week:

i look extremely unpresentable right now.

can you feel the sun pouring down on our strong sweat?
can you feel the rain heating up the newly cut grass?
can you hear the deer being pounded by cars in the street?
can you hear the wind shoot summer smells into your nose?
can you taste your neighbors barbeque conquering fireflies?
can you taste bad breath from a stranger's neglected kiss?
can you see the mosquitos puncture your arm while you swim?
can you see the river swarm during a thunderstorm?

i'm about to go on a walk. and i feel EXTREMELY dumb right now because i can't think of the fifth sense. because we do have five senses right? where did my brain just disappear to?

so for the past few days...

I have been selling Eclipse (ZOMG) tshirts at work rather than popcorn and other various food choices. Now, most people don't want to buy shirt at all and most people say no. Some people don't even say no, they just act like they can't hear you. (Can you tell this is going to be a boring post? Oh wait, aren't they all?) Anyways, I learned a few things.

1. Old women really like the male actors in Eclipse. I mean like, REALLY like them.
2. Some dads will thank you for making their daughter's entire day complete by selling them a shirt.
3. Others.. will yell at you for trying to sell their daughters bullcrap (bleeping out the much worse word).
4. Muslim males can't wear shirts with faces on them. But Muslim women can.
5. The majority of people who want Eclipse tshirts need sizes like XL, XXL, and XXXL. I guess we didn't get sent enough of those to sell.
6. You get really bored on slow days, but all of your coworkers hate you for the ability to just sit down at a table.
7. So bored even, that you may write a poem about the Eclipse tshirts you're selling. At least, that's what I did:

It's just nineteen dollars for an Eclipse tshirt.
How much of your paycheck could it really hurt?
Wear Bella, Edward, and Jacob all the time.
Buy one today and you'll look so fine!

UPDATE: Old men sometimes will ask me if they can buy an eclipse tote bag, hide me in it, and take me to Pennsylvania with them. Okayyyy...?

remember when i told you i painted pottery about a week ago?

or am i just imagining things?

before kiln (mine's the star, the snowman is my mom's):

after kiln (i can't find my mom's to take a picture of it, but when i do i shall show you):

i'm so creative, not.

nobody who i follow has written anything since friday, which gives me nothing to read.

“Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me.” - J.K. Rowling

I enjoy J.K. Rowling for that quote. And for her books, despite the fact that I couldn't push my way through them but I tried. I started after the movies came out though so reading the books was a little less interesting because all the people's faces and everything was put into my head already. I didn't get a chance to imagine it. And I already knew what was happening, so it was not interesting for myself. THIS BLOG HAS NO POINT. I just needed something to do for a quick jiffy.

hello chuck palahniuk, nice to meet you.

“Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?”
“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”
“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
“I just don’t want to die without a few scars.”
“You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.”
“You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you’re satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you’ve got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug. Then you’re trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.”
“Our Generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives.”
“We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens.”
“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”
“It’s because we’re so trapped in our culture, in the being of being human on this planet with the brains we have, and the same two arms and legs everybody has. We’re so trapped that any way we could imagine to escape would be just another part of the trap. Anything we want, we’re trained to want.”
“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. There’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That’s how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We’re just warming up.”
"People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.”
“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character…Would you slow down? Or speed up?”
“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.”

i was supposed to go to summer today.

1. can i just mention that was not what the title was supposed to be. i don't know what happened with my body functions but i typed 'summer today' instead of 'cedar point tomorrow.' this is going to be a list that probably makes no sense. cool!
2. i went running today at NOT 6 in the morning because i was very tired from work yesterday and so instead i went at 10 o'clock and it was terribly terribly humid outside therefore i passed out. which is not a good thing. right in the middle of the sidewalk, did i mention that? the guy across the street came running over and then the world came right back into focus and i was only two driveways from home so it wasn't too too big of a deal, but still not a good thing. i will go to bed early tonight.
3. the reason i'm not going to cedar point tomorrow is simple. well, not really. i was going with my friend allie. but allie said it's too hot tomorrow. that's not the only reason we're not going. she got surprised by this boy who was supposed to be away all summer in umm, i forget what state? but a far away one. anyways, he surprised her by coming home. even though they're not dating. and he is pretty much bipolar and hates her sometimes but loves her sometimes too. but i'll let them catch up.
4. i'm having a pool party on thursday at noon. everyone's invited :)
5. i've had the same ipod since 7th grade and not nearly all of my music fits onto it. i think it's time for an upgrade.
6. i'm also thinking arby's.
7. i also went to the driving range today and only hit three bad balls out of like a gazillion. the rest were not perfect, but nontheless i wouldn't consider them bad either.
8. my room is a mess, again. how does this happen so quickly?
9. mmm.. key lime pie
10. i recently got addicted to farmville. why!? why!? why!?
11. but my farm is currently under construction and looks really dumb.
12. i'm pretty sure i was rather large when i was twelve. i didn't play too many sports and i was probably the kid who asked for a million extra pieces of cake at birthday parties. and probably an extra scoop of ice cream too. oh, wait, i still do that.
13. i want some gatorade. orange, preferably.
14. i think maybe i'll go paint some pottery tomorrow.

reasons i adore summer

1. i don't ONLY work weekends, therefore i get more hours
2. cedar point, at least once a week
3. pool parties & bonfires
4. having more time to catch up with old friends
5. the sun :)
6. going for runs at 6 in the morning when it's beautiful outside
7. good music in a car with the windows down (clicheeeee)
8. lots of time to read good books
9. camping out
10. golf
11. not bug bites.

One Week Stand

He decided to sit next to me.
He chose to hold my icy hand
in his fiery one, kissing me
on the cheek so I turned cherry
red with happiness. He called me
pet names and rubbed my
arm with that tingling
touch until I was finally
dreaming. He made his way
into my dreams, too, placing
his rough brown hair into
the perfect crevice on my
shoulder when he was
exhausted. He sometimes
even parted my knotted hair
with his fingers, going this
way and that to the rhythm
of his iPod. But I know never
to care for him the way
he childishly pretends to care
for me. I’m not as blonde as I
look; I know that when he’s
finally home again tonight, he’ll
have another cheek to smooch.

this how i spent the last six days of my life. enjoy.

This is the rest stop down at a McDonald's with a Ronald McDonald statue and FIFTY CENT icecreams rather than the normal NINETY NINE CENT ones. win.

the biggest chip i ever did see. and say hello to brendan, he was a major part of making my week beautiful.

we were building a wheelchair ramp for unfortunate souls. it was a lot harder than it looks, and this was only just the beginning.

can i just mention how happy brendan looks here. he was probably just ecstatic that he got to shovel while i took nice pictures.

it was terribly hot and humid outside.

hey it's really coming together! and this is mitchell, a freshman who had a crush on me. aww.

brendan's 7-chin yawn is what gets him the ladies.

this cat seriously loved me. it was 20 feet away and i called 'KITTY!' and it came over. i was afraid it would have a disease or something. so i took a picture and let it on its way. she proceeded to walk over to a nice cadillac and pee on the driver's side door. ewwie.

the air pressure from this nail gun really seemed to be getting to him.

one side complete!

look at those (nail)guns.

look at those (nail)guns.

i'm clearly enjoying my week.

brendan's "senior" pic.

we're purple-ing.

the big cheese.

i was really enjoying the air pressure. almost as much as brendan if not more.

brendan did a really good job color-swapping on my camera.

this would be mitchell.

pastor L, the brains of the operation.

the first ramp complete! (not the one with the gate picture) and their beautiful house!

this is apparently how we fell asleep during our lunch break.

i don't have any beginning pictures of the beginning of this ramp, but here's us in the middle of working on it.

his name is pretty boy. and we fell in love.

umm, shirtless boys? and an almost done ramp!

all of us & the pastor of the church we stayed at.

we just needed to finish the gate and we were running out of time.

what a beautiful gate design.

the wheelchair ramp team (minus two because they were at the other work site) and the woman who's house it was for.

yay for another finished ramp and the side of a house!

initials and a flower in concrete.

IF you were wondering, though you are probably not, i was on a mission trip for the past week. it was extremely tough but still one of the best times of my life for sure. i will never forget it, unless i get short term memory which i hope i do not. chillicothe ohio, you have made my summer start out better than i could have ever imagined.

there's a possibility this might be funny.

ten things that i hate about today (because i feel like being oh so optimistic)

1. it's official, my best friend is going off to college and i'm going to be stuck here in the world of high school and drama.
2. i watched one tree hill. and even though it's a dopey tv show drama it never ceases to put me in a sad memory kind of mood. so i've been thinking about the certain boy that used to put me on the edge of my seat, with butterflies not only in my stomach but in my nose and feet and throat too.
3. i'm stressed about packing for the mission trip which i leave for tomorrow but just don't have enough time.
4. and my room is messy, again. what gives?
5. i don't know where catch-22 went :(
6. i have to drive so many places today it's obnoxious.
7. i'm breaking out EVERYWHERE. my chin, my forehead, my cheeks. i'm a walking zit.
8. the majority of my friends are taking the act right now, so i don't really have anyone to talk to.
9. Lost is still over, forever. And that'll always get me down. I'm a nerd.
10. ...and the world spins madly on

fav bandz @ da mo.

(don't mind my super cool slang title)

1. The Weakerthans


2. The Cure
(seriously i have bad luck with them on youtube or something because every video i click on of the songs i want to post on here don't work)

3. The Kinks

(enjoy the dancing stick figure)

4. The Weepies


5. Alkaline Trio

and obviously that list had no particular order because I pretty much love all of those bands equally.

typical, cliche list

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people (but don’t say their name):

1. I really wish you would just randomly hold my hand in public so that everyone could see that you like me.
2. I'm sorry I'm rude to you sometimes, but I do love you.
3. Please, never never ever ever take me to a random drinking party again. Especially when I was expecting Steak N' Shake.
4. I'm sorry that I get really nervous when I'm playing golf sometimes, but it's really only when a million eyes are on me. That's my only worry for next year. I'm sorry.
5. Thanks for helping me out a lot with my writing this year, I really appreciate it.
6. You have no idea how much I'm going to miss you next year. Well, maybe you do considering I say it every day.
7. You should schedule me on weekdays, too.
8. YOU ARE CRAZY.
9. I'm sorry, for reals.
10. I hate your guts (Wow, harsh I know, but I wish to say it so I'm being honest).
Nine things about myself:
1. I learned today that the angle of my neck is at about 11 degrees when it should be 45 degrees. And apparently this doesn't happen naturally so I must have undergone some major trauma that somehow I don't remember.
2. I like changing my appearance often. I like change.
3. My room becomes dirty every two days without fail. No kidding.
4. Golfing seriously puts me in a good mood almost all the time.
5. My self confidence level has grown IMMENSELY over the past year.
6. My favorite colors are yellow and purple. And I hate that they're my school colors.
7. I don't like it when my nails are too long.
8. I actually want a boyfriend.
9. My hair looks really good right now.

Eight ways to win my heart:
1. Be original. But be yourself.
2. Hug me even when I don't want to hug you.
3. Have real problems, don't complain about everything though.
4. Tell me the truth, but know what you're allowed to keep from me without it constituting as a lie.
5. Push me around, question me, challenge me, don't just let me win.
6. Bring me random gifts, not flowers.
7. Come with me when I'm doing fun things I enjoy (ex. golfing, movies, walks) and invite me to do fun things with you.
8. Give me time and space when I need it. And I'll definitely give you yours.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:
1. I like him.
2. What was I going to do?
3. Time check.
4. When can I go golfing next?
5. I have to pee.
6. I hope I have enough time to take a nap.
7. I wonder if Jess/Matt are busy..

Six things I do before I fall asleep:
1. Pee
2. PJs
3) Computer
4) Phone
5) Pray
6) Think

Six people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever):
1) Jess
2) Matt
3) Denise
4) Parents/Other family
5) Ashley
6) Allie

Five things almost constantly in your possession:
1. Phone
2. Watch
3. Money or Credit Card
4. Keys
5. Pen or Pencil

Four things you did today:
1. Apples to Apples
2. Nap
3. Chiropractor
4. Shopping

Three places which mean a lot to you:
1. My home
2. My grandparent's farm
2. Target
Two things you want to do before you die:
1. Get married
2. Live

One confession:
1. I'm worried that my writing isn't going to be as awesome in the rest of the world as it was in my creative writing class to my one teacher. Like, I'm scared that every where else I submit something or go to write something is just going to reject and hate everything.

this is mostly because i'm an emotional person.

Dearest and Loveliest Jess,
I think it's silly how we knew eachother my freshman year, but barely talked. And it's crazy to think of the first time I came into your house with Luke, Matt, and Rachael and how almost awkwardly placed it was. It was the most random people at the most random of times. I even remember that I had a spoon and I wouldn't stop sucking on it as if I was a kindergardener or something. And then thinking about walking down into your basement on that bright and beautiful day compared to the cold day I walked down there in sweats to an amazing surprise birthday party. Or even to compare it to any other regular day when I walk down there to find you still half asleep in your bed. It's unbelievable how quickly our friendship grew, but I love it more than anything. You are the most important part of my life aside from my family which you have basically become. You have a key to my house for goodness sakes. You had commencement today and if I was there I would definitely be the annoying person to clap for one specific person. Except probably not because I'd chicken out. You are going to grow up to be the most lovely lady that anybody will have the chance of meeting, even if they don't know that right away. They surely will. It's unreal how different my life is going to be next year without you living right down the street, but I'll visit you whenever I can obviously. For the sake of not writing a novel, I'll stop here. Good luck with your futureeee.
Sincerely,
Me

i just need a list.

1. it's been far too long.
2. i want to kiss this one particular boy right now. that'd be cool.
3. my schedule is beyond full this weekend. i don't know how that's possible, but somehow it happened.
4. it's kinda nice outside. i want to lay frisbee, too bad i have to leave for work in about 3 minutes.
5. catch-22 hurts my head to read. there are a lot of characters to remember. i'm now on the 60th page and it might be making a little sense now.
6. want to go swimming with me?
7. chiropractors are awkward. at least mine is. and apparently my back is majorly screwed up all over the place. so that's cool.
8. i have the sniffles.
9. can they send me home from work early tonight? that'd be splendid. or just call me off tomorrow, even better.
10. i really enjoy the soundtrack to 'i love you man,' and 'funny people.' i also REALLY enjoy those movies. but at this moment i forget if i own funny people, and if not then i need to buy it right away.

so this isn't really about anything, but i guess it is at the same time.

So today it was eighty degrees outside and today I decided to jump in my pool. The water began splashing and piling all around me and wetting my hair as I stood in the middle, still and alone. I was still and I guess it would make more sense if I told you it was thunderstorming outside, but if I had you would have thought I was particularly insane for doing such a silly, ludacris thing. That is until my neighbor decided to jump in the seemingly dark blue water as well. And then I felt a little bit less crazy. Like if someone else was doing it with me it must not be so bad. He's quite older than me, I think, because I've never been in school with him and he graduated before I got to the high school. And I wasn't really interested in why he jumped in the pool with me until he tugged at my fingers and they started to feel like they were falling off. Then he told me to get out of the pool. And then he told me to follow him. And so, I did just that.

reasons i love saturday mornings

1. running/soccer games makes me feel good about myself
2. i'm never in a rush to get anywhere
3. i don't work them
4. friends, neighbors, family, i swear someone new is here every weekend
5. (when it's nice outside) laying outside by the pool
6. reading without a deadline
7. popsicles? yea. popsicles.
8. hot cocoa, despite the fact that i have that every morning regardless
9. right now, the random really cute little kid in my backyard.

things that i hate & love at the same time.

1. when people tickle me
2. fainting
3. ice cream
4. running
5. going to work
6. blistering hot weather
7. going to school
8. having a crush
9. touch screen phones
10. pictures

Because you should know by now that my taste in music doesn't match up at all:

my favorite movies are so random.

they don't match up with eachother at all

1. Pearl Harbor
2. Valley Girl
3. Up in the Air

and The Great Gatspy is up there too. but mostly it's just my favorite book so the movie makes me happy as well. a great gatspy shirt would probably be the coolest present ever, just saying. i wish i could write as good as this man:

“Daisy began to sing with the music in a husky, rhythmic whisper, bringing out a meaning in each word that it had never had before and would never have again. When the melody rose, her voice broke up sweetly, following it, in a way contralto voices have, and each change tipped out a little of her warm human magic upon the air.”
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.. at cedar point

1. seagull dropping a dead fish two feet infront of my face
2. ashley having a panic attack while we were sitting inside the witches wheel because she saw a spider (it was crazy though)
3. philip's titty-twister bruising matt.
4. katie getting thrown up on :(
5. flash mob.. never happening ugh
6. talking about Lost almost nonstop
7. playing my fishing app on the bus LOUDLY
8. brendan's obnoxious ringtone
9. sunscreen (looks like birdpoop when thrown from a height)
10. (not) doing our physics worksheets
11. officially getting my season pass
12. halle putting her hand in throw up :(
13. blacking out on rides
14. too much sunscreen, but still too much sunburn
15. candy cigarettes
16. this number is sawyer's number on Lost (he's my favoritest favoritest favorite)
17. eating dan's icecream
18. being obnoxious to ashley
19. EVERYTHING.

so i really wanted to post a song by The Cure

But you see the song I wanted to post didn't have any good music videos on youtube. Like, the ones that were decent enough videos to watch, had bad quality sound. And I like quality. But the one with the quality sound was just a blue backround with lyrics. LAME. Nonetheless, if you feel the want to listen to it you can look up the song Just Like Heaven by them and I'm sure you'll find it with no problem. Instead, I give you this:


p.s. it's only the extended one because on the normal version the 'embedded code was disabled upon request.' so yes.

this song will never get old in my book.

wasting time before a soccer game

1. Ever since I scored a goal last week (I usually never score, I always assist) I kind of want to score at least one every game to make my grandpa proud. The look on his face was unfathomable.
2. Sooo, we have the exact same taste in music and movies and lots of other things, when are you going to realize this?
3. A blind date seems like a fun idea.
4. 13 more days of school? I don't even know?
5. I still need to dust and sweep, I'm sort of slacking since I haven't found any more ants. Haha
6. I'm pretty proud of my short story, hopefully my teacher feels the same way about it.
7. I'm definitely going to stop at Burger King on the way to my soccer game. Healthy? No. Delicious? Yes.
8. I heart my new orange watch.
Me: OH MY GOSH DID I SHOW YOU MY NEW WATCH?
Mike: Ooo (sarcastically) Does it light up?
Me: YESSS (proceeds to press light up button and smile)
Mike: (laughs) haha, wowww
Me: I'm such a nerd.
9. OH! And my new sunglasses, those are nice too. I have too many pairs of sunglasses.
10. I'm going to Bucco de Beppos (probably spelled that HORRIBLY) for the first time on Thursday. I'm slightly pumped.

Jessie

Clint stares down at the pink
frosted cake taking up the
entire mahogany table his
knees are tucked under. In
just a few hours, his older
sister should be puffing the
flames away with her wishes.

Birthdays are bathed in those
things. Candles on cakes being
comparable to fairies and
genies. The favorite day of
children alike. Then, shoving
thick cooked batter down
their throats like oxygen.

Clint refuses to join the
festivities this year; he
heads up to his hideaway
bedroom. She should blow
out the candles, but she
won’t. And behind everyone’s
celebrating eyes, you catch
a waft of their denial.

this is what i spent the last hour and a half of my life on.

i know i've already posted way too much for today, but seriously this was probably the best thing that i've done in a long time. i just listened to music while hanging pictures and then when my mom came home i showed her my little project and she loved it. so that made me happy as well. this is just all around a very good day. except for the fact that i probably won't be able to sleep because of nightmare on elm street.

update update update

So I'm like 110% positive that my blog is becoming really boring really fast. Not that it already wasn't. ANYWAYS, I'm doing a great job on my room. Pats on my back, really. So far I've:
-Put away all my clothes
-Washed my sheets and pillowcases (I just need to get them out of the dryer)
-Picked up all the trash (There was A LOT of trash)
-Moved the pointless side table to a different more convenient place in my room, and organized everything in it and on it.
-Organized everything on my "desk"
-Organized the side table that was already by my bed. Organized the top two shelves of the armour.

Bravo, brava. I know. SO, despite the fact that I already made a list of what I should do, for my own benefit I will make another one of things I still have to do. This is the time when you should just click the little red X in the upper right hand corner of your screen (or left if you have a Mac or something).

-Organize my "make up" area
-Organize my dresser
-Get rid of unused clothing
-Dust
-Sweep

It sounds so good when it's only a list of 5 things like that.

all because i found an ant in my room yesterday.

luckily, i WAS indeed able to kill said ant. but it has made me go crazy for cleaning my room ASAP. so, i have decided to make an official plan/to-do list just to make sure i get EVERYTHING that i need to get done, done.

Monday:
-Pick up the hundreds of clothes that I have on the floor and wash the dirty ones.
-Wash my sheets and pillow cases.
-Pick up all the garbage all over my room (in all random drawers I've shoved random papers in as well) and throw them away. Don't be picky, just throw them away.
-After my clothes and sheets are clean, put them where they belong.

Tuesday:
-Straighten up desk area. (It's really just a white table).
-Maybe look for new ACTUAL desks online to replace said table.
-Straighten up dresser.
-Straighten up armour.
-Straighten up makeup area that I rarely even use but it's still a mess (maybe put it all on the clean dresser area??)

Wednesday:
-Move the pointless end table somewhere where it won't be so pointless.
-DUST
-and
-SWEEP

Thursday:
-I'll be at Cedar Point so I really won't feel like cleaning my room anyways.

Friday:
-Go through clothing and get rid of everything I haven't worn in the past 4 years.
-If there's still a lot, go through clothing again and get rid of everything I haven't worn in the past 2 years.

Saturday:
-Be extremely happy with my clean room.
-Give my mom a hug.

Sunday:
THE FINAL EPISODE OF LOST EVER. Not that that necessarily has anything to do with my room at all, but I thought that I'd let it be known.

a list of nothing specific

because i can't really think of anything specific to make a list about.

1. I dyed my hair today. Well, technically a lady named Dana did, but I like it nontheless.
2. My cousin Nikki turned 18 today. Which means I'm officially 17 and a half. She's buying me a lottery ticket, and sending me a picture of her tattoo.
3. I miss Buster (the dog I think I mentioned in the previous post).
4. Going to see Iron Man 2 with Ashleytacular in a few minutes. I've never seen the first one, oh well.
5. I'm pumped to go to Cedar Point next Thursday, and the Tuesday after that, and a million times after that.
6. I can't type well while I'm singing.
7. My eyebrows definitely needed waxing, good thing I did that.
8. "Let's get rich and buy our parent's homes in the south of France."
9. My alarm clock is 5 minutes fast. I don't know why I don't just fix it.
10. 20 more days of school for me. But really 18 because I'm not going two days because of Cedar Point. But really probably 17 because I don't have to go in for one of the final days. WIN.

so much laughing and so much crying

so today i went over my friend Dan's house. they just put their dog to sleep last week and i cried about seven times. i'll probably cry some more. he was pretty much my dog, because they've basically been my second family for the past seven years of my life. anyways, other than the sadness, whenever i'm at their house i basically pee my pants from laughing so much. this is just a random video on youtube that we watched that i thought was rather clever:

they cut my shift 3 hours on sunday, so now i only have 8 hours left.

all this hours and shift stuff sounds really confusing when i try to type it out. but really it's simple, i worked 8 hours every day for friday, saturday, and i'm going to again today. so far, it's only been 16 hours. okay, so maybe i just make it sound confusing because when i reread that i'm not quite sure what i was talking about.

1. i run into the popcorn poppers too too much. i already have a nasty bruise on my right thigh from tuesday. and yesterday i just ran into a different one with my other leg. not nearly as hard, but a bruise and bump are still forming. good job sydney.
2. i made fun of matt for dropping things, and in the midst of doing that i spilled a large popcorn. that's 6.50 worth of popcorn right there! haha just kidding because movie theatres rip people off. BUT HEY, you do get a free refill.
3. the person who chose the flooring for the concession stand of cinemark obviously knew that i'd be working there. and that when someone like me spills things a lot (wet slippery things) THIS floor, the floor they chose, would be the most probable for someone to slip and fall on. thank you.
4. i highly dislike it when people try to hit on me at work. especially girls, have you been talking to my dad lately? haha..ha.
5. our drink carriers don't help someone who has 4 drinks. or even two drinks. or even one drink. you'd be better off just carrying the cup. we do forewarn you, "support the carrier from the bottom." but that's not that simple when you have a large popcorn, seven candies, a water bottle and lots of other overpriced items. in simpler terms, "our drink carriers break, don't ask for one."
6. today is a sunday, and i'm working on satellite (side) concession once again. i HAVE mentioned that i'm bad luck on sundays on satellite right? i thought so.