anniversaries are stupid

I hate that for the entire past year everything has been marked by the same thing. 'It's been three months since that happened,' 'now it's been a year.' It's been one year since my grandpa died, today. I hate that I didn't live at all last year, I missed out on it completely. Because nothing was beginning, everything was ending. I missed out on a year of learning, learning about myself because I was too busy worrying, too busy missing everything, and too scared that everything was just going to be over. I just pushed everything away and didn't welcome in any new chances. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, with anything. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or if it's totally wrong. I wish I knew. And my grandpa always had the best advice, he really did. He barely talked, but when he did, I listened and I held on to every word. I wish he had more words, more to talk about, to talk to me. But he's not here.

I lie all the time when I say I have no regrets. I regret probably 80% of the things that I did last year. I would take back all the fights with Luke, with Rachael. I would have spent that last day with my grandpa rather than trying to run away from it all and be with my friends. Then I got that phone call. God damn it. There's probably over a million people in the world who know how I'm feeling right now, but for some reason I feel like nobody gets it.

And not only like about the death fact, blah blah. But I always think about how it would be if I hadn't have ended it with Luke. I guess that's hypocritical but once I said I didn't love him I was stubborn. Like I always am, too stubborn to admit that I was wrong. So I forced myself not to. And I'm the worst person in the world for that. I was just scared. And that's why I'm so scared of commitment now or the reason I don't feel like any relationship is 'for me.' Because nobody makes me feel the way Luke did. And I'm just worried that nobody ever will. But I'm too stubborn to admit that except for on here and then later Jess will probably want to talk about it or something but whatever. I don't know.

I would give anything to just sit and talk to my grandpa right now.