dear boy,

Okay, so I like you a lot. And you know I like you a lot. Sometimes I wonder if you even like me at all though, or if you're just using me for pleasure? I mean, I understand that we ARE friends and we're probably always going to be friends, whether close or far, but is anything more EVER going to come from this? I know right now it's not going anywhere and it's not that it necessarily needs to, but I don't want to get myself in too deep with something that I'll end up sinking in. And dying, metaphorically of course.

Because here's the deal. You don't want a relationship. And despite me having some feelings for you, I know I don't want one either. Not right now. But feelings are weird, they have a way of messing with your head. And I'm worried that somewhere down the line the feelings I have for you will emerge and force me to actually legitimately want something more with you. And you won't want it. It'll break my heart if that happens and I need to prevent that. Because who really wants to do something that they know is going to break their heart in the end? That would be suicidal, which I'm clearly not.

So I'm sorry if for a week or two it's going to seem like I'm extremely distant. Although I'm sure you won't even notice. We haven't texted since the last time we hung out. And I'm surprisingly doing okay with that. I've been keeping myself busy, doing other things. Other things that make me happy. And that keeps me sane, knowing that at least you're not the ONLY thing that makes me happy. It'll help keep me from liking you more than I originally planned to. Which is where I already am, but if it goes further I don't know what I'd do. It might also be a test almost. A test to see if you actually do care. If you see that something is wrong with me, see if you're worried, or something. Anything, anything at all. Not that I have the right or a real reason to test you. I guess I'm kind of a creep, and I can live with that.