Ed

sitting in his green canoe
cracking his neck side
to side
in the middle of the lake.
he didn’t give a damn

if anybody knew he was there.
or if the birds sat on him
licking their old
feathers or
letting themselves go

while sitting still. they
were cracking statues in
the throbbing sun,
floating weightless,
the water pounding

against the sides of his
moldy canoe.
wood collapsing off,
floating away,
blending into the water.

from miles away,
blocked by trees
and fog
on mountains, i couldn’t
even see him

holding a telephone.
plastic and dusty,
with the curled and
bent cord dropped
into the water

tugging his ear downwards.
pulling his body in,
he tried to speak
whimpering, maybe
yelling into the phone.

ordering some pizza
with extra sauce.
making sure it’s extra
as the phone escapes his hand
and saying goodnight

to his mother,
his father.
staring at himself

in the wrinkles of the
cold blue water.
and the earth

that he couldn’t even see
on the horizon screaming
at him to paddle in.

it is officially official.

but not really all at the same time.

i'm done applying to the university of pittsburgh. officially done. they have the application, recommendation letters, my transcripts, my ACT scores (the most recent one that i took this past weekend will be sent soon enough), and my essayish thing. done. sent. yay. i'm extremely relieved about this to say the least, except for the fact that i don't know for surely if i'm going to go there yet or not. because ya know, even though i'm pretty set on it, it's the admission committee's decision. i hope they can sense my want and need to go there.

i love pittsburgh.
i want to live there.

oh and i've offically decided i'm going to buy myself a tv. a big nice, flatscreen, plasma type tv. i don't have a tv in my room so you see, this is a big kind of deal. but i'm most likely going to wait for black friday and be one of 'those' people that stand outside best buy or target all night long so i can get the first one. i've already requested off work. it's a done deal.

senioritis number 3

i think i'm on number 3 right?

remember a while ago when i posted a picture of my wall with all the pictures? this makes me a sad senior. a very very sad senior. but also extremely happy at the same time. this is almost an anti-senioritis post i guess. because senioritis is wanting it to be over. but, really, do i want it to be over? uh oh, my wall of pictures is becoming a cure to my disease that i'm slowly dying of. i can look at some of these pictures and pee my pants off laughing about something funny that day. because i remember it. and i want it to happen again. and i miss it. and i miss some of those friends. and those people. those people were my life at those points in my life. i wasn't thinking about anything else than that moment. now i can't think of anything else other than getting this over with. than ending it. i can't think of anything other than leaving and moving on with my life.

i think i need to learn to chill out. at least for the rest of this year. and to love it. to love (and if i can't love it, then at least tolerate) every moment i have.

now, this has been a cliche blog post.

senioritis number 2

everyone knows i'm a big fan of awkward moments right. right, well, there's some awkward moments that i don't actually like. but i have to deal with these moments because my whole entire life is one big awkward moment and i realize i can't love all of it.

so i walk into my first english class of the semester and notice the teacher. she looks like a very nice lady. the second person i notice is another lady. blonde. hmm, oh i do know her! but i wish i didn't. i'm having a hard time explaining this so i'll just throw it out there.. i have a class with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's mom. that sounds like it shouldn't matter to me but it somewhat does. because i used to go to church with my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and his new girlfriend's mom. and we were all friends. we all loved eachother. it was nice. the whole church was nice. my ex-boyfriend's dad is also the pastor which in the end made it almost inevitably awkward and awful for me to go there. so i started going somewhere else despite the fact that that's a most likely awful reason to stop going to a certain church. anyways, my ex-boyfriend hasn't willingly talked to me in um, let's say forever. it's not like either of us really did anything to make one another highly dislike eachother, it was all a misunderstanding to say the least (i'm really not kidding. i told him i didn't think i loved him and so he took that as breaking up. i think that's dumb because i was only 16 and 16 year olds really don't have to have 'love' in their relationships). it's nothing. he stopped talking to me. anyways, that was all rambling and not the point. at all. the point is, i walked right past the woman and proceeded to as far away from her as possible. i didn't think she even noticed me. until. here's the big until. the class was over and i wanted to speed right out of there but she decided that she didn't want that to happen. instead, "oh hi sydney it's been a while since i've seen you, what've you been up to?"
pause.
really really long pause.
i didn't even know what to say.
i didn't even know if i should smile or not.
"oh, uh, hi"
"i thought you were still in high school."
"oh, uh, i am this is just, uh, post secondary. for college credit."
"that sounds pretty cool. i don't think they offer that at katie's* school."
pauce.
really really long pause.
katie* is the new girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend.
"oh, uh, that's too bad."
"so what other classes are you taking here?"
does she stop...
because considering the entire class was gone besides us two i thought it was time to leave. i showed my thoughts by slowly looking around the empty, quite, cold classroom.
"i won't hold you up any longer, we can catch up another day though okay."
okay. okay. catch up another day. sounds wonderful see you then! no but really, i didn't respond. i just stood there. almost stunned. it was awkward. then i felt like i was being rude. and now i feel like i'm going to be expected to almost be extremely friendly towards this woman.

this makes no sense to me.
(and probably not to you either because this story was all over the place)

*name changed because i said so.

just a simple shout out to those of you who actually read anything i ever post.

p.s. these pictures are way old.

senioritis number 1

so basically i had planned on starting an entire new blog entitles 'Senioritis' but I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to keep up with that because I barely keep up with this one regardless. So randomly throughout my wonderful, amazing, terrible senior year I may or may not have senioritis posts just for fun and suchness. Enjoy it or not.

Walking into school today was a pointless experience. I only have one class at the highschool and it was one hundred percent completely unnecessary for me to be there. First period economics. I don't care about economics. We had a survey sheet and one of the questions asked how much we wanted to learn about it and I chose the lowest response because as you know, I'm honest like that. And my friend Daniel and I have decided to call our teacher Ke$ha because he said he's bad with names and he gets annoyed when people pronounce his name wrong so we should correct him. But well, actually there's not really any legitimate reason but that's okay. I also realize that I sort of kind of almost dated two people in my class, so this should be interesting. Or not. Probably not because I'm not a very interesting person. I liked the way Ke$ha described the dress code though: "If you come to school looking like you might arrive in a scene on the Jersey Shore, then the outfit is not appropriate." or "If it looks like I have to tip you twenty dollars on the way out of the classroom and I have to lie to my wife about seeing you in what you were wearing, then the outfit is not appropriate." I think I might like this guy. He's honest, and has a SmartBoard. Works for me.

Oh, and then I came home and took a nap. What a great first day!

i'm missing half of me

sometimes i look over and see
my left arm dangling, falling
over the railing on the stairs

and when i go to scratch my back
i can’t reach from all the way
over there. stretching my fingers

across the room really is a long
way to go for an itch that won’t
stop. or in a business meeting i

feel those needles, staples, pinecones
of my legs telling me to uncross them,
but my leg is tangled in the

chandelier. a piece of artwork for
show. and watching my favorite movie next
to you in the cold living room as my

bad habit takes over and my ring finger
needs to be relieved, cracked—pulled
apart and off of me. but it’s already gone.