blogging in my underwearsz

So I haven't legitimately blogged for quite a while. I've just been posting poems from creative writing or videos or quotes or whatevs. But let's get down to business. I'm stuck with a major decision in my life right now and I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it or not.

To date Luke OR To not date Luke

This may not make much sense to most people. And to some people they think the answer is simple. Luke and I were a great couple, I'll give you that much and we ended over a simple misunderstanding. Which I actually think I may have mentioned on here once or twice before. Anyways, we're hanging out again and it's the shizz-nizz (wow I'm gay, seriously) but I'm just not so sure if I can do it. Like a relationship. I honestly enjoy being single, a lot, I flirt a bunch and have fun. I'm no hoe, no worry about that, it's just fun.

This blog is going nowhere and making no sense so I'm just going to stop before I get ahead of myself. p.s. I was going to post the song On My Own by Vincent Vincent and the Villians but for some reason youtube felt like being a bitch to me today and not allowing it. Faggot. Gosh, I apologize for anyone reading this. This post is kinda PG-13. LMAO. I need to get a life, totes magotes. I just watched I Love You, Man. I love that movie and the music in it. Peter Klavin says the most ridiculous things I love it. For realsnezz though, I'm out.

I need to clean my room which I said I'd do 9 days ago but I put off til now and it's only gotten 20 times worse. Bye-byezz. lolzz

What You Don’t Learn at School

Matt scratches his notes on loose leaf
watching the examples.
So tired, almost the end of the day,
but he continues to learn.

Watching the examples,
he continues to practice.
So tired, it’s almost day’s end.
Exhausting, but necessary.

Matt continues to practice
with his kids, after returning from work.
Exhausted, but necessary
To keep his family going.

With his kids after returning from work,
He will continue to learn
to keep his family going—
after scratching his notes on loose leaf.

cute.

I didn't write this and I don't know who did but I saw it online and I thought it was nice.

"They loved eachother, not driven by necessity, by the "blaze of passion" often falsely ascribed to love. They loved eachother because everything around them willed it, the trees and the clouds and the sky over their heads and the earth under their feet. Perhaps their surrounding world, the strangers they met in the street, the wide expanses they saw on their walks, the rooms in which they lived or met, took more delight in their love than they themselves did."

"write about leaving..."

Whenever I think about leaving, I think about death. Can you blame me? I guess that's probably the most depressing thing to say, but it's not as if I can actually help it. Especially lately, because it seems to be the one year mark of everything. You all left. No 'goodbye,' no 'see you soon,' nothing. I am just left here standing. And I know you didn't leave on purpose, none of you did. But do you understand how many people are left here wondering alone? Sometimes I'm having a bad day, struggling to make it through and I need your pick me up, but your advice is gone with you. None of it is here. It seriously keeps me up at night. Me lying in my bed, my eyes digging into the ceiling wanting so badly to have some cheesy epiphany where you all pop into my bedroom. Or to hear your voices in the heating vents. Something, but all I get is nothing because you left. I don't know, I want all of you back so badly that when I first think of the word leaving I think about death, and of you. I don't think of hugs and kisses goodbye, I think of your bodies in coffins and it makes me shake. I don't think of leaving for school in the morning, I think of the hushed phone calls, the long talks about the meaning of life and death. I don't think of anything other than the fact that you left, but I still love you, despite that.

Abandonment

The young girl is snuggled
up in love. Her grin is
confident—achieving perfection.

Chilled, worked on,
it took time. Tears and
long days—she’s growing still.

Her life is not exactly definite.
You know,
life is long and hectic.

So serious—too serious

Work is love.
Career is love.
Taco Bell is also, love—
on a dark day.

I am independent,
not affected from that love
but my love for myself—
abandons me one day too.

the worst feelings in life

being told that someone is better than you.
knowing that you're being lied to.
letting yourself be beat down.
crying hard.
losing someone close.
watching yourself fade away.
falling apart because you're alone.
hating yourself.
not being good enough.
failing.
being told that 'she's prettier.'
being mad at someone because you're mad at yourself.
best friends falling apart.
being told that you're fat.
breaking up.
falling out of love.
being used.
being made fun of.
changing for someone else.
realizing that he doesn't love you.
falling asleep alone when you know he should be next to you.

anniversaries are stupid

I hate that for the entire past year everything has been marked by the same thing. 'It's been three months since that happened,' 'now it's been a year.' It's been one year since my grandpa died, today. I hate that I didn't live at all last year, I missed out on it completely. Because nothing was beginning, everything was ending. I missed out on a year of learning, learning about myself because I was too busy worrying, too busy missing everything, and too scared that everything was just going to be over. I just pushed everything away and didn't welcome in any new chances. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, with anything. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or if it's totally wrong. I wish I knew. And my grandpa always had the best advice, he really did. He barely talked, but when he did, I listened and I held on to every word. I wish he had more words, more to talk about, to talk to me. But he's not here.

I lie all the time when I say I have no regrets. I regret probably 80% of the things that I did last year. I would take back all the fights with Luke, with Rachael. I would have spent that last day with my grandpa rather than trying to run away from it all and be with my friends. Then I got that phone call. God damn it. There's probably over a million people in the world who know how I'm feeling right now, but for some reason I feel like nobody gets it.

And not only like about the death fact, blah blah. But I always think about how it would be if I hadn't have ended it with Luke. I guess that's hypocritical but once I said I didn't love him I was stubborn. Like I always am, too stubborn to admit that I was wrong. So I forced myself not to. And I'm the worst person in the world for that. I was just scared. And that's why I'm so scared of commitment now or the reason I don't feel like any relationship is 'for me.' Because nobody makes me feel the way Luke did. And I'm just worried that nobody ever will. But I'm too stubborn to admit that except for on here and then later Jess will probably want to talk about it or something but whatever. I don't know.

I would give anything to just sit and talk to my grandpa right now.