lists and poems.

it's complicated.

2010-10-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

i have decided, through an extremely long thought process which you care nothing about, that i am going to start up a new blog. it's not necessary to follow me there instead, but maybe it'll actually be a blog of some importance rather than a blog about boring nothingness. i'll give it a try.

here you go:
(i have yet to figure out how to actually create a button.. i'm not so good with this tech-savvy stuff, so if you could help me with that i'd be grateful)
Boats Against the Current

birthday party.

2010-10-15T12:46:00.000-07:00

i'm thinking about maybe possibly throwing one of those this year. my birthday is not for another month and two days but parties ARE in fact that kinds of things that you have to plan ahead of time so that people can request off of work and be committed to coming to my party rather than going out to eat or something.

my birthday is november 16th, which is kind of crummy because november 19th is the day the next harry potter movie comes out in theaters and because i work at a movie theater i can't even request off that weekend so i already know my party will have to be the weekend before.

so, now that i've completed step one. picking the day. i need to decide if i just want to invite people over to chill or actually plan things. i think i'm going to plan things. like, pin the tail on the donkey, and have a pinata, and maybe some sack races or something. something 8 year olds would do. even though i'm going to be 18 i really don't think it's that big of a deal. OH OH and have party favors, like bags with candy and random toys that nobody ever really wanted like a crummy yo-yo that breaks after one try. or sticky-hands. or something.

or maybe it'll be a themed party. like an 80s themed party. boy howdy do i love the 80s. and
1. everyone will have to dress up (obviously)
2. i'll play 80s music (which i already have hours worth of on my itunes)
3. near the end of the night i'll show a movie or two from the 80s.. preferably Valley Girl and/or The Breakfast Club.
4. i might be able to find some 80s related games (or games that are from the 80s) on amazon.com.
5. maybe maybe maybe i'll be really cheesy and even play a game of spin the bottle.
6. and have a bowl of punch!

i'm getting really excited about this. "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" that's a noise i make when i'm excited about something.

any other ideas?

communication

2010-10-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

1. is hard.
2. is something i'm bad at.
3. is rough.
4. is something i need to work on.
5. has taken an easy way out. technology.
6. is the pits.
7. is hard.

now that this has been another boring post i'm going to go and watch this movie:

so, procrastination happens.

2010-10-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

1. i have a six page paper to write.
2. i'd rather blog about nothing instead.
3. but, if you're wondering what it's about (which is probably not happening) i will tell you. should english be the official language for the united states? what do you think?
4. i ordered movies off of amazon.com and they came in the mail yesterday and when i got home and saw them i screamed 'YAY' at the top of my lungs. nobody in my family even looked at me.
5. want to know what movies they were?
again, probably not but that's okay.
Valley Girl, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, and Weird Science.
If you didn't know by now i have a mad obsession with the 80s.
6. i think that the University of Pittsburgh should accept me faster.
7. i also think that research papers are stupid.
8. i'm going to a homecoming at a school that is not mine this weekend. with a boy that is not my boyfriend. is that bad? (note: i went to my own homecoming alone) (another note: the boy that's taking me to this homecoming is legitimately just a friend)
9. someone told me about this play that's about the great gatsby called 'Gatz' playing in New York. and i got almost more excited than ever but then my dreams were shattered upon looking up the play and finding that all the tickets for every showtime for every day ..are sold out.
10. hey ya by obadiah parker officially has over 200 plays on my itunes.
11. oh and in case you were wondering, my day at marco's last friday was beyond wonderful.

reasons i love fall.

2010-10-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

1. the smell of dying leaves
2. everything was still happy
3. it is my favorite temperature time period
4. crunchy leaves
5. i can drink hot cocoa (or pumpkin spice latte) multiple times a day without being questioned
6. hats
7. the colors
8. haunted houses
9. apple cider and bonfires
10. my birthday
11. everything

the joys of smelling like pizza every day.

2010-10-01T06:28:00.000-07:00

you all know i work at a movie theater, well a month or so ago i picked up another job at a pizza place. marco's pizza. YUM. if you don't know how wonderful our pizza is yet, you should go and try it. and maybe our cinnasquares, i could live off of those.. even though i'd probably die.

so on wednesday, apparently it was extremely busy so they called me in (none of us knew why it was so busy on a wednesday) but since i'm not working at the theater at all this upcoming weekend i figured i could use the extra hour or two. there's not really much else to the story except for the fact that we just had to do a major clean up before people from corporate stopped by just to say hey. and the president (or whatever his title is) of marco's pizza shook my hand and told me my pizza looked amazing. it was a pretty great moment.

then yesterday (thursday) i donated blood. that has nothing to do with marco's, but i worked about two hours after the donation and i was feeling fine for the first hour of work. but the the lightheaded and sickness started kicking in. and i'm one to know what it feels like to pass out, i used to do it all the time. and i hate it, i cry.. every time. so at first i just sat down for a few minutes and i thought i was going to be alright so i got back up and started working again. but then i happened to be helping a customer (they were probably wondering what the heck was wrong with me). i could barely pronounce $10.99 to them and couldn't even find their pizza on the rack. i looked at alyssa (who was the manager for the night) mumbled and jumbled something out of my mouth. and collapsed. i was two seconds away from passing out. if i wouldn't have gotten my head down and rushed some blood to it i would have been a gone-er. i ended up having to call my parents to pick me and my car up because i was in no shape to drive. i also feel especially awful because it was getting somewhat busy at that point (dinner rush) and i couldn't help even if i wanted to try.

one great day at marco's. one terrible day at marco's. i work again tonight, let's see how this goes.

Ed

2010-09-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

sitting in his green canoe
cracking his neck side
to side
in the middle of the lake.
he didn’t give a damn

if anybody knew he was there.
or if the birds sat on him
licking their old
feathers or
letting themselves go

while sitting still. they
were cracking statues in
the throbbing sun,
floating weightless,
the water pounding

against the sides of his
moldy canoe.
wood collapsing off,
floating away,
blending into the water.

from miles away,
blocked by trees
and fog
on mountains, i couldn’t
even see him

holding a telephone.
plastic and dusty,
with the curled and
bent cord dropped
into the water

tugging his ear downwards.
pulling his body in,
he tried to speak
whimpering, maybe
yelling into the phone.

ordering some pizza
with extra sauce.
making sure it’s extra
as the phone escapes his hand
and saying goodnight

to his mother,
his father.
staring at himself

in the wrinkles of the
cold blue water.
and the earth

that he couldn’t even see
on the horizon screaming
at him to paddle in.

it is officially official.

2010-09-14T07:02:00.000-07:00

but not really all at the same time.

i'm done applying to the university of pittsburgh. officially done. they have the application, recommendation letters, my transcripts, my ACT scores (the most recent one that i took this past weekend will be sent soon enough), and my essayish thing. done. sent. yay. i'm extremely relieved about this to say the least, except for the fact that i don't know for surely if i'm going to go there yet or not. because ya know, even though i'm pretty set on it, it's the admission committee's decision. i hope they can sense my want and need to go there.

i love pittsburgh.
i want to live there.

oh and i've offically decided i'm going to buy myself a tv. a big nice, flatscreen, plasma type tv. i don't have a tv in my room so you see, this is a big kind of deal. but i'm most likely going to wait for black friday and be one of 'those' people that stand outside best buy or target all night long so i can get the first one. i've already requested off work. it's a done deal.

senioritis number 3

2010-09-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

i think i'm on number 3 right?

remember a while ago when i posted a picture of my wall with all the pictures? this makes me a sad senior. a very very sad senior. but also extremely happy at the same time. this is almost an anti-senioritis post i guess. because senioritis is wanting it to be over. but, really, do i want it to be over? uh oh, my wall of pictures is becoming a cure to my disease that i'm slowly dying of. i can look at some of these pictures and pee my pants off laughing about something funny that day. because i remember it. and i want it to happen again. and i miss it. and i miss some of those friends. and those people. those people were my life at those points in my life. i wasn't thinking about anything else than that moment. now i can't think of anything else other than getting this over with. than ending it. i can't think of anything other than leaving and moving on with my life.

i think i need to learn to chill out. at least for the rest of this year. and to love it. to love (and if i can't love it, then at least tolerate) every moment i have.

now, this has been a cliche blog post.

senioritis number 2

2010-08-31T12:28:00.000-07:00

everyone knows i'm a big fan of awkward moments right. right, well, there's some awkward moments that i don't actually like. but i have to deal with these moments because my whole entire life is one big awkward moment and i realize i can't love all of it.

so i walk into my first english class of the semester and notice the teacher. she looks like a very nice lady. the second person i notice is another lady. blonde. hmm, oh i do know her! but i wish i didn't. i'm having a hard time explaining this so i'll just throw it out there.. i have a class with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's mom. that sounds like it shouldn't matter to me but it somewhat does. because i used to go to church with my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and his new girlfriend's mom. and we were all friends. we all loved eachother. it was nice. the whole church was nice. my ex-boyfriend's dad is also the pastor which in the end made it almost inevitably awkward and awful for me to go there. so i started going somewhere else despite the fact that that's a most likely awful reason to stop going to a certain church. anyways, my ex-boyfriend hasn't willingly talked to me in um, let's say forever. it's not like either of us really did anything to make one another highly dislike eachother, it was all a misunderstanding to say the least (i'm really not kidding. i told him i didn't think i loved him and so he took that as breaking up. i think that's dumb because i was only 16 and 16 year olds really don't have to have 'love' in their relationships). it's nothing. he stopped talking to me. anyways, that was all rambling and not the point. at all. the point is, i walked right past the woman and proceeded to as far away from her as possible. i didn't think she even noticed me. until. here's the big until. the class was over and i wanted to speed right out of there but she decided that she didn't want that to happen. instead, "oh hi sydney it's been a while since i've seen you, what've you been up to?"
pause.
really really long pause.
i didn't even know what to say.
i didn't even know if i should smile or not.
"oh, uh, hi"
"i thought you were still in high school."
"oh, uh, i am this is just, uh, post secondary. for college credit."
"that sounds pretty cool. i don't think they offer that at katie's* school."
pauce.
really really long pause.
katie* is the new girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend.
"oh, uh, that's too bad."
"so what other classes are you taking here?"
does she stop...
because considering the entire class was gone besides us two i thought it was time to leave. i showed my thoughts by slowly looking around the empty, quite, cold classroom.
"i won't hold you up any longer, we can catch up another day though okay."
okay. okay. catch up another day. sounds wonderful see you then! no but really, i didn't respond. i just stood there. almost stunned. it was awkward. then i felt like i was being rude. and now i feel like i'm going to be expected to almost be extremely friendly towards this woman.

this makes no sense to me.
(and probably not to you either because this story was all over the place)

*name changed because i said so.

just a simple shout out to those of you who actually read anything i ever post.

2010-08-26T06:18:00.000-07:00

p.s. these pictures are way old.

senioritis number 1

2010-08-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

so basically i had planned on starting an entire new blog entitles 'Senioritis' but I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to keep up with that because I barely keep up with this one regardless. So randomly throughout my wonderful, amazing, terrible senior year I may or may not have senioritis posts just for fun and suchness. Enjoy it or not.

Walking into school today was a pointless experience. I only have one class at the highschool and it was one hundred percent completely unnecessary for me to be there. First period economics. I don't care about economics. We had a survey sheet and one of the questions asked how much we wanted to learn about it and I chose the lowest response because as you know, I'm honest like that. And my friend Daniel and I have decided to call our teacher Ke$ha because he said he's bad with names and he gets annoyed when people pronounce his name wrong so we should correct him. But well, actually there's not really any legitimate reason but that's okay. I also realize that I sort of kind of almost dated two people in my class, so this should be interesting. Or not. Probably not because I'm not a very interesting person. I liked the way Ke$ha described the dress code though: "If you come to school looking like you might arrive in a scene on the Jersey Shore, then the outfit is not appropriate." or "If it looks like I have to tip you twenty dollars on the way out of the classroom and I have to lie to my wife about seeing you in what you were wearing, then the outfit is not appropriate." I think I might like this guy. He's honest, and has a SmartBoard. Works for me.

Oh, and then I came home and took a nap. What a great first day!

i'm missing half of me

2010-08-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

sometimes i look over and see
my left arm dangling, falling
over the railing on the stairs

and when i go to scratch my back
i can’t reach from all the way
over there. stretching my fingers

across the room really is a long
way to go for an itch that won’t
stop. or in a business meeting i

feel those needles, staples, pinecones
of my legs telling me to uncross them,
but my leg is tangled in the

chandelier. a piece of artwork for
show. and watching my favorite movie next
to you in the cold living room as my

bad habit takes over and my ring finger
needs to be relieved, cracked—pulled
apart and off of me. but it’s already gone.

things to do before school starts (not that anybody reading this would really care)

2010-08-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

1. buy my books
2. go to cedar point
3. figure out my feelings for this certain person/decide if i actually want a relationship gasp
4. reorganize all my playlists on itunes (because for anybody who was wondering my music was just hiding somewhere on my computer and i had to find it)
5. get rid of the millions of tshirts that i don't wear (and pretty much keep the 10 that i do.
6. figure out my phone problems
7. read the great gatspy, again (not because i have to)
8. have a Saw marathon with heather
9. play monopoly with shlee.
10. clean my room (i always seem to be doing that)

hello, cheesy lyrics.

2010-08-18T06:44:00.000-07:00

thank you katy perry. i don't even care if her song is just like every other song ever created for teenage girls to love and think it's the best song ever. i'm kind of in a really good mood because of this song.

and i really really really can't wait to see this movie:

nothing is going right today.

2010-08-17T15:26:00.000-07:00

1. i woke up late.
2. iTunes deleted all of my music.
3. i wore jeans when it was clearly too hot.
4. they wouldn't let me schedule my english class
5. they wouldn't let me buy my books for school.
6. the target school supply section is less than amazing.
7. my mosquito bites are killing me.
8. i'm sweating hot and i'm inside my house. it should be nice in here.

good cop, bad cop.

2010-08-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

so yesterday, i guess i was a bad kid. and this will not be a list. nor will it be a poem. i'm just overly bored so i need to type SOMETHING. yesterday i was somewhere were i wasn't supposed to be and at a time when i wasn't supposed to be at it. i arrived at denny's at 1:45 in the morning when i called my mom. i called her to tell her that my friends and i were going to denny's (she didn't know that i was already there, and i WAS supposed to be home at 1:30). well, needless to say, she was a little upset that i wasn't at home. at that point a little buzzer went off in my head that said "get home as fast as you can because she thinks you're five minutes away from home but really you're twenty, but it's also past curfew so you should probably not go very fast and get pulled over like you did on the way there" (which was actually on the way to frisbee before going to eat).

pause.

i didn't mention getting pulled over on the way there. well, i did. but i didn't get a ticket. apparently i'm sweet and innocent and the police men just feel kind of bad for me or something. because when he asked
"so why were you going so fast?"
my immediate and completely one hundred percent honest response was "let me start off by saying i'm extremely sorry and it won't happen again. it's just that a really good song came on and i started singing along and i was paying attention and being safe with everything i could have been, besides my speed. and i am also late for playing frisbee with my friends."
then his response: "you're playing frisbee at 9:30 at night? isn't it a bit dark?"
me: "we have a light up frisbee!
guy: "awesome, well, let me just go check out your license and i'll be right back"
waiting waiting waiting waiting
guy: "i'm not going to give you a ticket. and i don't want to hold you up any longer. have a great night!"
me: "oh thank you very much, you have a wonderful night as well!"

unpause.

so that didn't go too badly. on the way home, was a different story. i was speeding again. for obvious reasons of getting home before my mom got mad at me. i should have thought it through that my mom would get even more mad at me if i ended up getting pulled over and getting a ticket. which is exactly what ended up happening. he didn't even give me a chance. he didn't even let me explain myself. he just said, "you were speeding, please don't get out of the car and i'll be right back." in the meantime, my gas gage was really low so i was also worrying about that. this guy took about twenty minutes to write the ticket in his car. unnecessary? i think so. especially since when he came back he wasn't even finished and had to ask me about a million irrelevant questions such as "are you married?" to complete the ticket. AND THEN, when i said "have a good night" he didn't even respond to me. immature. i'm helping him actually have a job to do, he should be thankful for idiotic kids like me.

anyways, i'm basically on house arrest for somewhere between two weeks and a month. we'll see how that goes. on the bright side, my dad ended up getting the ticket leaved because he's awesome and i love him and he's a firefighter and knows people. i'm somewhat okay with being grounded though because if i was not, i doubt i would have ever finished my summer reading. but now i have plenty of time. and my dad told me i had to volunteer to help a special ed teacher in an elementary school which i am completely okay with. so being grounded shouldn't be toooooo awful.

since when is it august?

2010-08-04T19:38:00.000-07:00

oh, four days ago. i know. i'm not THAT stupid, or am i?

things i like about the fact that school is about to happen again:
1. the fact that other people are at band camp, and i'm not :)
2. new school supply shopping
3. finding out who's in my classes
4. homedays are soon enough.
5. trying to fit a million gajillion plans into just a few weeks, but it always ends up working out perfectly.

things that i hate about the fact that school is about to happen again:
1. some friends are going off to college again. including my best friend, which makes me entirely to sad to comprehend.
2. not being able to stay out until late on weeknights.
3. useless drama that i don't want to be a part of.
4. more than half of the people i've become really close to at work are leaving for college and moving on with life. i didn't think this would make me as sad as i am. but only two people who have been there longer than me are staying. only six of us 'veterans' are staying at all. fifteen (give or take a few) new kids are coming in and i DO like meeting new people but i loved the people i worked with. ugh ugh ugh
5. responsibilities.

i could keep adding to both these lists. but for the sake of saving space on the world wide web, i shall stop.

running in a thunderstorm.

2010-07-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

pause for a second. i just want to give myself a pat on the back for posting something other than a list. aka, i'm posting a poem. go me. it'll probably be awful, but that's just fine with me. and the title of this post is not the title of the poem like it normally is if i'm posting a poem. i don't know what the title of the poem is. i suppose you could just say it's untitled. but that's besides the point. here:

There comes a point in time
when you’re running, maybe
a minute in, or maybe
you’ve already been running for ten
miles. When you don’t know,
when you’re not quite sure
if it’s the sweat that’s swimming
down your leg or if there was a sudden
downpour of rain. Or if in the dark,
black sky you’re seeing lightning
take over like a shark takes over a
small lake or if you’re actually
just a second away from blacking
out completely into the asphalt below
your tingling legs. You get so far
and so concentrated on just continuing
that maybe you even forget why you
started running in the first place.
Making your way down a soccer field
to score a goal? Playing tag in your muddy
backyard with the newly adopted puppy—
trying to avoid all the slobber you possibly
can? Running to lose a few extra pounds
from that night you broke down after
he felt like just packing up and leaving?
Or was that an entire week of breaking down?
Or maybe. Maybe you never even knew
why you were running in the first place.
And that actually. Actually, you might
never know until you end up someplace else.

i got a really sparkly bandaid today.

2010-07-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

so i think if you go to the doctor's office
1. you shouldn't have to wait two hours after your appointment to even be talked to at all.
2. they doctor shouldn't judge you if you can't give a urine sample. sorry, i can pee on command. it doesn't mean i'm doing drugs.
3. they shouldn't just bring in a shot without warning. i didn't know that was going to happen, surprisingly i was alright.
4. they should probably make sure that old men aren't wandering around in random rooms so that they walk into my room and sit down. awkward? i think so.
5. make sure it doesn't smell in there. like wet dog.
6. if they put a sign up about something, they should make sure it's proper grammar. (i understand that sometimes i suck at my grammaticalness on my blog, but they have plenty of time to look over a simple poster. i'm not going to take my time to reread my posts when i'm just way to lazy to do something like that). anyways, " ATTENTION PATIENTS'! " doesn't make sense because the patients aren't possessing anything. didn't you go to college? do i really want you to be giving me a shot?

so, i think that those things should be fixed before i go there next time or i might think twice.

decisions, decisions.

2010-07-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

1. to clean my room today or tomorrow?
2. what to wear to the movies tonight?
3. so i know i want to double major in speech pathology and creative writing. but creative writing-poetry or -fiction?
4. whether or not to take this one class in the fall?
5. should i have a pool party tomorrow?
6. everything about college? ..although i'm pretty set on pittsburgh
7. a certain something with a certain someone? although i don't want to get into details?
8. whether or not to actually post this blog with all of it's nothingness?

let's do it.

i just didn't want to come home.

2010-07-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

positives about the university of pittsburgh
1. the campus is beautiful!
2. and safe.
3. there's another girl named Sydney and we literally bonded over this because neither of us have every met a Sydney our age before.
4. they have the two majors i want: speech pathology and creative writing.
5. it's a really great school.
6. i like how the dorm rooms are set up, and the building they're in.
7. i like how the speech pathology building is called a waffle, because that's what it looks like.
8. i already made tons of friends there.
9. they play ULTIMATE FRISBEE. favorite.
10. and they play it on this really big beautiful lawn in front of the cathedral of learning.
11. which apparently is the second largest learning building in the world. or country. i don't remember. but the one that beat it only won because of a big antenna they glued on top. but the cathedral of learning is too good for any lame antenna.
12. free transportation with my Pitt ID. woot
13. it's far enough away for me to feel like i'm moving a step up in life. but not far enough away for my parents to freak out. i wouldn't want that.
14. the library is HUGE.
15. the food there was delish.
16. they play quidditch. win.

i could keep going and going and going and going and going, but i should probably stop here. this list is pretty much for me to relive my happiness of the two days i spent in pittsburgh this weekend. if you haven't already caught on, i love it there.

good things about my visit to columbus, because you care.

2010-07-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

1. catching up with an old friend who moved down here between 7th or 8th grade who i haven't seen since then.
2. the amazing movie theater down here called 'rave motion pictures' that LITERALLY is like a rave inside.
3. insanely cheap dresses at an insanely fansy looking store.
4. they actually have purple crocs.
5. having 24 hour access to a treadmill.
6. four random guys and two random girls from a Navy program thinking i was a part of the program.
7. getting hit on by a really cute guy who's going into the Navy.
8. playing chicken in the pool with these people.
9. and beating them all.
10. making one of the best purchases of my life: a reptar bookbag.
11. j. alexander's milk-less milkshake. because we all know that doesn't make sense.

anybody have an umbrella?

2010-07-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

reasons i'm crying:
1. i don't know.
2. i don't know.
3. i don't know.
4. i don't know.
5. i don't know.
6. i don't know.
7. i want to watch the breakfast club, but i don't own it (just kidding i'm not that much of a baby. or am i?)
8. i haven't seen this puppy in over a week:

i look extremely unpresentable right now.

2010-07-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

can you feel the sun pouring down on our strong sweat?
can you feel the rain heating up the newly cut grass?
can you hear the deer being pounded by cars in the street?
can you hear the wind shoot summer smells into your nose?
can you taste your neighbors barbeque conquering fireflies?
can you taste bad breath from a stranger's neglected kiss?
can you see the mosquitos puncture your arm while you swim?
can you see the river swarm during a thunderstorm?

i'm about to go on a walk. and i feel EXTREMELY dumb right now because i can't think of the fifth sense. because we do have five senses right? where did my brain just disappear to?

so for the past few days...

2010-07-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

I have been selling Eclipse (ZOMG) tshirts at work rather than popcorn and other various food choices. Now, most people don't want to buy shirt at all and most people say no. Some people don't even say no, they just act like they can't hear you. (Can you tell this is going to be a boring post? Oh wait, aren't they all?) Anyways, I learned a few things.

1. Old women really like the male actors in Eclipse. I mean like, REALLY like them.
2. Some dads will thank you for making their daughter's entire day complete by selling them a shirt.
3. Others.. will yell at you for trying to sell their daughters bullcrap (bleeping out the much worse word).
4. Muslim males can't wear shirts with faces on them. But Muslim women can.
5. The majority of people who want Eclipse tshirts need sizes like XL, XXL, and XXXL. I guess we didn't get sent enough of those to sell.
6. You get really bored on slow days, but all of your coworkers hate you for the ability to just sit down at a table.
7. So bored even, that you may write a poem about the Eclipse tshirts you're selling. At least, that's what I did:

It's just nineteen dollars for an Eclipse tshirt.
How much of your paycheck could it really hurt?
Wear Bella, Edward, and Jacob all the time.
Buy one today and you'll look so fine!

UPDATE: Old men sometimes will ask me if they can buy an eclipse tote bag, hide me in it, and take me to Pennsylvania with them. Okayyyy...?

remember when i told you i painted pottery about a week ago?

2010-07-02T06:48:00.000-07:00

or am i just imagining things?

before kiln (mine's the star, the snowman is my mom's):

after kiln (i can't find my mom's to take a picture of it, but when i do i shall show you):

i'm so creative, not.

nobody who i follow has written anything since friday, which gives me nothing to read.

2010-06-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

“Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me.” - J.K. Rowling

I enjoy J.K. Rowling for that quote. And for her books, despite the fact that I couldn't push my way through them but I tried. I started after the movies came out though so reading the books was a little less interesting because all the people's faces and everything was put into my head already. I didn't get a chance to imagine it. And I already knew what was happening, so it was not interesting for myself. THIS BLOG HAS NO POINT. I just needed something to do for a quick jiffy.

hello chuck palahniuk, nice to meet you.

2010-06-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

“Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?”
“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”
“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
“I just don’t want to die without a few scars.”
“You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.”
“You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you’re satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you’ve got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug. Then you’re trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.”
“Our Generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives.”
“We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens.”
“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”
“It’s because we’re so trapped in our culture, in the being of being human on this planet with the brains we have, and the same two arms and legs everybody has. We’re so trapped that any way we could imagine to escape would be just another part of the trap. Anything we want, we’re trained to want.”
“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. There’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That’s how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We’re just warming up.”
"People have to really suffer before they can risk doing what they love.”
“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character…Would you slow down? Or speed up?”
“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.”

i was supposed to go to summer today.

2010-06-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

1. can i just mention that was not what the title was supposed to be. i don't know what happened with my body functions but i typed 'summer today' instead of 'cedar point tomorrow.' this is going to be a list that probably makes no sense. cool!
2. i went running today at NOT 6 in the morning because i was very tired from work yesterday and so instead i went at 10 o'clock and it was terribly terribly humid outside therefore i passed out. which is not a good thing. right in the middle of the sidewalk, did i mention that? the guy across the street came running over and then the world came right back into focus and i was only two driveways from home so it wasn't too too big of a deal, but still not a good thing. i will go to bed early tonight.
3. the reason i'm not going to cedar point tomorrow is simple. well, not really. i was going with my friend allie. but allie said it's too hot tomorrow. that's not the only reason we're not going. she got surprised by this boy who was supposed to be away all summer in umm, i forget what state? but a far away one. anyways, he surprised her by coming home. even though they're not dating. and he is pretty much bipolar and hates her sometimes but loves her sometimes too. but i'll let them catch up.
4. i'm having a pool party on thursday at noon. everyone's invited :)
5. i've had the same ipod since 7th grade and not nearly all of my music fits onto it. i think it's time for an upgrade.
6. i'm also thinking arby's.
7. i also went to the driving range today and only hit three bad balls out of like a gazillion. the rest were not perfect, but nontheless i wouldn't consider them bad either.
8. my room is a mess, again. how does this happen so quickly?
9. mmm.. key lime pie
10. i recently got addicted to farmville. why!? why!? why!?
11. but my farm is currently under construction and looks really dumb.
12. i'm pretty sure i was rather large when i was twelve. i didn't play too many sports and i was probably the kid who asked for a million extra pieces of cake at birthday parties. and probably an extra scoop of ice cream too. oh, wait, i still do that.
13. i want some gatorade. orange, preferably.
14. i think maybe i'll go paint some pottery tomorrow.

reasons i adore summer

2010-06-21T06:15:00.000-07:00

1. i don't ONLY work weekends, therefore i get more hours
2. cedar point, at least once a week
3. pool parties & bonfires
4. having more time to catch up with old friends
5. the sun :)
6. going for runs at 6 in the morning when it's beautiful outside
7. good music in a car with the windows down (clicheeeee)
8. lots of time to read good books
9. camping out
10. golf
11. not bug bites.

One Week Stand

2010-06-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

He decided to sit next to me.
He chose to hold my icy hand
in his fiery one, kissing me
on the cheek so I turned cherry
red with happiness. He called me
pet names and rubbed my
arm with that tingling
touch until I was finally
dreaming. He made his way
into my dreams, too, placing
his rough brown hair into
the perfect crevice on my
shoulder when he was
exhausted. He sometimes
even parted my knotted hair
with his fingers, going this
way and that to the rhythm
of his iPod. But I know never
to care for him the way
he childishly pretends to care
for me. I’m not as blonde as I
look; I know that when he’s
finally home again tonight, he’ll
have another cheek to smooch.

this how i spent the last six days of my life. enjoy.

2010-06-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

This is the rest stop down at a McDonald's with a Ronald McDonald statue and FIFTY CENT icecreams rather than the normal NINETY NINE CENT ones. win.

the biggest chip i ever did see. and say hello to brendan, he was a major part of making my week beautiful.

we were building a wheelchair ramp for unfortunate souls. it was a lot harder than it looks, and this was only just the beginning.

can i just mention how happy brendan looks here. he was probably just ecstatic that he got to shovel while i took nice pictures.

it was terribly hot and humid outside.

hey it's really coming together! and this is mitchell, a freshman who had a crush on me. aww.

brendan's 7-chin yawn is what gets him the ladies.

this cat seriously loved me. it was 20 feet away and i called 'KITTY!' and it came over. i was afraid it would have a disease or something. so i took a picture and let it on its way. she proceeded to walk over to a nice cadillac and pee on the driver's side door. ewwie.

the air pressure from this nail gun really seemed to be getting to him.

one side complete!

look at those (nail)guns.

i'm clearly enjoying my week.

brendan's "senior" pic.

we're purple-ing.

the big cheese.

i was really enjoying the air pressure. almost as much as brendan if not more.

brendan did a really good job color-swapping on my camera.

this would be mitchell.

pastor L, the brains of the operation.

the first ramp complete! (not the one with the gate picture) and their beautiful house!

this is apparently how we fell asleep during our lunch break.

i don't have any beginning pictures of the beginning of this ramp, but here's us in the middle of working on it.

his name is pretty boy. and we fell in love.

umm, shirtless boys? and an almost done ramp!

all of us & the pastor of the church we stayed at.

we just needed to finish the gate and we were running out of time.

what a beautiful gate design.

the wheelchair ramp team (minus two because they were at the other work site) and the woman who's house it was for.

yay for another finished ramp and the side of a house!

initials and a flower in concrete.

IF you were wondering, though you are probably not, i was on a mission trip for the past week. it was extremely tough but still one of the best times of my life for sure. i will never forget it, unless i get short term memory which i hope i do not. chillicothe ohio, you have made my summer start out better than i could have ever imagined.

there's a possibility this might be funny.

2010-06-13T05:03:00.000-07:00

ten things that i hate about today (because i feel like being oh so optimistic)

2010-06-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

1. it's official, my best friend is going off to college and i'm going to be stuck here in the world of high school and drama.
2. i watched one tree hill. and even though it's a dopey tv show drama it never ceases to put me in a sad memory kind of mood. so i've been thinking about the certain boy that used to put me on the edge of my seat, with butterflies not only in my stomach but in my nose and feet and throat too.
3. i'm stressed about packing for the mission trip which i leave for tomorrow but just don't have enough time.
4. and my room is messy, again. what gives?
5. i don't know where catch-22 went :(
6. i have to drive so many places today it's obnoxious.
7. i'm breaking out EVERYWHERE. my chin, my forehead, my cheeks. i'm a walking zit.
8. the majority of my friends are taking the act right now, so i don't really have anyone to talk to.
9. Lost is still over, forever. And that'll always get me down. I'm a nerd.
10. ...and the world spins madly on

fav bandz @ da mo.

2010-06-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

(don't mind my super cool slang title)

1. The Weakerthans

2. The Cure
(seriously i have bad luck with them on youtube or something because every video i click on of the songs i want to post on here don't work)

3. The Kinks

(enjoy the dancing stick figure)

4. The Weepies

5. Alkaline Trio

and obviously that list had no particular order because I pretty much love all of those bands equally.

typical, cliche list

2010-06-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people (but don’t say their name):

1. I really wish you would just randomly hold my hand in public so that everyone could see that you like me.
2. I'm sorry I'm rude to you sometimes, but I do love you.
3. Please, never never ever ever take me to a random drinking party again. Especially when I was expecting Steak N' Shake.
4. I'm sorry that I get really nervous when I'm playing golf sometimes, but it's really only when a million eyes are on me. That's my only worry for next year. I'm sorry.
5. Thanks for helping me out a lot with my writing this year, I really appreciate it.
6. You have no idea how much I'm going to miss you next year. Well, maybe you do considering I say it every day.
7. You should schedule me on weekdays, too.
8. YOU ARE CRAZY.
9. I'm sorry, for reals.
10. I hate your guts (Wow, harsh I know, but I wish to say it so I'm being honest).
Nine things about myself:
1. I learned today that the angle of my neck is at about 11 degrees when it should be 45 degrees. And apparently this doesn't happen naturally so I must have undergone some major trauma that somehow I don't remember.
2. I like changing my appearance often. I like change.
3. My room becomes dirty every two days without fail. No kidding.
4. Golfing seriously puts me in a good mood almost all the time.
5. My self confidence level has grown IMMENSELY over the past year.
6. My favorite colors are yellow and purple. And I hate that they're my school colors.
7. I don't like it when my nails are too long.
8. I actually want a boyfriend.
9. My hair looks really good right now.

Eight ways to win my heart:
1. Be original. But be yourself.
2. Hug me even when I don't want to hug you.
3. Have real problems, don't complain about everything though.
4. Tell me the truth, but know what you're allowed to keep from me without it constituting as a lie.
5. Push me around, question me, challenge me, don't just let me win.
6. Bring me random gifts, not flowers.
7. Come with me when I'm doing fun things I enjoy (ex. golfing, movies, walks) and invite me to do fun things with you.
8. Give me time and space when I need it. And I'll definitely give you yours.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:
1. I like him.
2. What was I going to do?
3. Time check.
4. When can I go golfing next?
5. I have to pee.
6. I hope I have enough time to take a nap.
7. I wonder if Jess/Matt are busy..

Six things I do before I fall asleep:
1. Pee
2. PJs
3) Computer
4) Phone
5) Pray
6) Think

Six people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever):
1) Jess
2) Matt
3) Denise
4) Parents/Other family
5) Ashley
6) Allie

Five things almost constantly in your possession:
1. Phone
2. Watch
3. Money or Credit Card
4. Keys
5. Pen or Pencil

Four things you did today:
1. Apples to Apples
2. Nap
3. Chiropractor
4. Shopping

Three places which mean a lot to you:
1. My home
2. My grandparent's farm
2. Target
Two things you want to do before you die:
1. Get married
2. Live

One confession:
1. I'm worried that my writing isn't going to be as awesome in the rest of the world as it was in my creative writing class to my one teacher. Like, I'm scared that every where else I submit something or go to write something is just going to reject and hate everything.

this is mostly because i'm an emotional person.

2010-06-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

Dearest and Loveliest Jess,
I think it's silly how we knew eachother my freshman year, but barely talked. And it's crazy to think of the first time I came into your house with Luke, Matt, and Rachael and how almost awkwardly placed it was. It was the most random people at the most random of times. I even remember that I had a spoon and I wouldn't stop sucking on it as if I was a kindergardener or something. And then thinking about walking down into your basement on that bright and beautiful day compared to the cold day I walked down there in sweats to an amazing surprise birthday party. Or even to compare it to any other regular day when I walk down there to find you still half asleep in your bed. It's unbelievable how quickly our friendship grew, but I love it more than anything. You are the most important part of my life aside from my family which you have basically become. You have a key to my house for goodness sakes. You had commencement today and if I was there I would definitely be the annoying person to clap for one specific person. Except probably not because I'd chicken out. You are going to grow up to be the most lovely lady that anybody will have the chance of meeting, even if they don't know that right away. They surely will. It's unreal how different my life is going to be next year without you living right down the street, but I'll visit you whenever I can obviously. For the sake of not writing a novel, I'll stop here. Good luck with your futureeee.
Sincerely,
Me

i just need a list.

2010-06-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

1. it's been far too long.
2. i want to kiss this one particular boy right now. that'd be cool.
3. my schedule is beyond full this weekend. i don't know how that's possible, but somehow it happened.
4. it's kinda nice outside. i want to lay frisbee, too bad i have to leave for work in about 3 minutes.
5. catch-22 hurts my head to read. there are a lot of characters to remember. i'm now on the 60th page and it might be making a little sense now.
6. want to go swimming with me?
7. chiropractors are awkward. at least mine is. and apparently my back is majorly screwed up all over the place. so that's cool.
8. i have the sniffles.
9. can they send me home from work early tonight? that'd be splendid. or just call me off tomorrow, even better.
10. i really enjoy the soundtrack to 'i love you man,' and 'funny people.' i also REALLY enjoy those movies. but at this moment i forget if i own funny people, and if not then i need to buy it right away.

so this isn't really about anything, but i guess it is at the same time.

2010-05-31T17:26:00.000-07:00

So today it was eighty degrees outside and today I decided to jump in my pool. The water began splashing and piling all around me and wetting my hair as I stood in the middle, still and alone. I was still and I guess it would make more sense if I told you it was thunderstorming outside, but if I had you would have thought I was particularly insane for doing such a silly, ludacris thing. That is until my neighbor decided to jump in the seemingly dark blue water as well. And then I felt a little bit less crazy. Like if someone else was doing it with me it must not be so bad. He's quite older than me, I think, because I've never been in school with him and he graduated before I got to the high school. And I wasn't really interested in why he jumped in the pool with me until he tugged at my fingers and they started to feel like they were falling off. Then he told me to get out of the pool. And then he told me to follow him. And so, I did just that.

reasons i love saturday mornings

2010-05-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

1. running/soccer games makes me feel good about myself
2. i'm never in a rush to get anywhere
3. i don't work them
4. friends, neighbors, family, i swear someone new is here every weekend
5. (when it's nice outside) laying outside by the pool
6. reading without a deadline
7. popsicles? yea. popsicles.
8. hot cocoa, despite the fact that i have that every morning regardless
9. right now, the random really cute little kid in my backyard.

things that i hate & love at the same time.

2010-05-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

1. when people tickle me
2. fainting
3. ice cream
4. running
5. going to work
6. blistering hot weather
7. going to school
8. having a crush
9. touch screen phones
10. pictures

Because you should know by now that my taste in music doesn't match up at all:

my favorite movies are so random.

2010-05-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

they don't match up with eachother at all

1. Pearl Harbor
2. Valley Girl
3. Up in the Air

and The Great Gatspy is up there too. but mostly it's just my favorite book so the movie makes me happy as well. a great gatspy shirt would probably be the coolest present ever, just saying. i wish i could write as good as this man:

“Daisy began to sing with the music in a husky, rhythmic whisper, bringing out a meaning in each word that it had never had before and would never have again. When the melody rose, her voice broke up sweetly, following it, in a way contralto voices have, and each change tipped out a little of her warm human magic upon the air.”
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.. at cedar point

2010-05-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

1. seagull dropping a dead fish two feet infront of my face
2. ashley having a panic attack while we were sitting inside the witches wheel because she saw a spider (it was crazy though)
3. philip's titty-twister bruising matt.
4. katie getting thrown up on :(
5. flash mob.. never happening ugh
6. talking about Lost almost nonstop
7. playing my fishing app on the bus LOUDLY
8. brendan's obnoxious ringtone
9. sunscreen (looks like birdpoop when thrown from a height)
10. (not) doing our physics worksheets
11. officially getting my season pass
12. halle putting her hand in throw up :(
13. blacking out on rides
14. too much sunscreen, but still too much sunburn
15. candy cigarettes
16. this number is sawyer's number on Lost (he's my favoritest favoritest favorite)
17. eating dan's icecream
18. being obnoxious to ashley
19. EVERYTHING.

so i really wanted to post a song by The Cure

2010-05-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

But you see the song I wanted to post didn't have any good music videos on youtube. Like, the ones that were decent enough videos to watch, had bad quality sound. And I like quality. But the one with the quality sound was just a blue backround with lyrics. LAME. Nonetheless, if you feel the want to listen to it you can look up the song Just Like Heaven by them and I'm sure you'll find it with no problem. Instead, I give you this:

p.s. it's only the extended one because on the normal version the 'embedded code was disabled upon request.' so yes.

this song will never get old in my book.

2010-05-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

wasting time before a soccer game

2010-05-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

1. Ever since I scored a goal last week (I usually never score, I always assist) I kind of want to score at least one every game to make my grandpa proud. The look on his face was unfathomable.
2. Sooo, we have the exact same taste in music and movies and lots of other things, when are you going to realize this?
3. A blind date seems like a fun idea.
4. 13 more days of school? I don't even know?
5. I still need to dust and sweep, I'm sort of slacking since I haven't found any more ants. Haha
6. I'm pretty proud of my short story, hopefully my teacher feels the same way about it.
7. I'm definitely going to stop at Burger King on the way to my soccer game. Healthy? No. Delicious? Yes.
8. I heart my new orange watch.
Me: OH MY GOSH DID I SHOW YOU MY NEW WATCH?
Mike: Ooo (sarcastically) Does it light up?
Me: YESSS (proceeds to press light up button and smile)
Mike: (laughs) haha, wowww
Me: I'm such a nerd.
9. OH! And my new sunglasses, those are nice too. I have too many pairs of sunglasses.
10. I'm going to Bucco de Beppos (probably spelled that HORRIBLY) for the first time on Thursday. I'm slightly pumped.

Jessie

2010-05-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

Clint stares down at the pink
frosted cake taking up the
entire mahogany table his
knees are tucked under. In
just a few hours, his older
sister should be puffing the
flames away with her wishes.

Birthdays are bathed in those
things. Candles on cakes being
comparable to fairies and
genies. The favorite day of
children alike. Then, shoving
thick cooked batter down
their throats like oxygen.

Clint refuses to join the
festivities this year; he
heads up to his hideaway
bedroom. She should blow
out the candles, but she
won’t. And behind everyone’s
celebrating eyes, you catch
a waft of their denial.

this is what i spent the last hour and a half of my life on.

2010-05-17T19:32:00.001-07:00

i know i've already posted way too much for today, but seriously this was probably the best thing that i've done in a long time. i just listened to music while hanging pictures and then when my mom came home i showed her my little project and she loved it. so that made me happy as well. this is just all around a very good day. except for the fact that i probably won't be able to sleep because of nightmare on elm street.

update update update

2010-05-17T15:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm like 110% positive that my blog is becoming really boring really fast. Not that it already wasn't. ANYWAYS, I'm doing a great job on my room. Pats on my back, really. So far I've:
-Put away all my clothes
-Washed my sheets and pillowcases (I just need to get them out of the dryer)
-Picked up all the trash (There was A LOT of trash)
-Moved the pointless side table to a different more convenient place in my room, and organized everything in it and on it.
-Organized everything on my "desk"
-Organized the side table that was already by my bed. Organized the top two shelves of the armour.

Bravo, brava. I know. SO, despite the fact that I already made a list of what I should do, for my own benefit I will make another one of things I still have to do. This is the time when you should just click the little red X in the upper right hand corner of your screen (or left if you have a Mac or something).

-Organize my "make up" area
-Organize my dresser
-Get rid of unused clothing
-Dust
-Sweep

It sounds so good when it's only a list of 5 things like that.

all because i found an ant in my room yesterday.

2010-05-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

luckily, i WAS indeed able to kill said ant. but it has made me go crazy for cleaning my room ASAP. so, i have decided to make an official plan/to-do list just to make sure i get EVERYTHING that i need to get done, done.

Monday:
-Pick up the hundreds of clothes that I have on the floor and wash the dirty ones.
-Wash my sheets and pillow cases.
-Pick up all the garbage all over my room (in all random drawers I've shoved random papers in as well) and throw them away. Don't be picky, just throw them away.
-After my clothes and sheets are clean, put them where they belong.

Tuesday:
-Straighten up desk area. (It's really just a white table).
-Maybe look for new ACTUAL desks online to replace said table.
-Straighten up dresser.
-Straighten up armour.
-Straighten up makeup area that I rarely even use but it's still a mess (maybe put it all on the clean dresser area??)

Wednesday:
-Move the pointless end table somewhere where it won't be so pointless.
-DUST
-and
-SWEEP

Thursday:
-I'll be at Cedar Point so I really won't feel like cleaning my room anyways.

Friday:
-Go through clothing and get rid of everything I haven't worn in the past 4 years.
-If there's still a lot, go through clothing again and get rid of everything I haven't worn in the past 2 years.

Saturday:
-Be extremely happy with my clean room.
-Give my mom a hug.

Sunday:
THE FINAL EPISODE OF LOST EVER. Not that that necessarily has anything to do with my room at all, but I thought that I'd let it be known.

a list of nothing specific

2010-05-12T12:59:00.000-07:00

because i can't really think of anything specific to make a list about.

1. I dyed my hair today. Well, technically a lady named Dana did, but I like it nontheless.
2. My cousin Nikki turned 18 today. Which means I'm officially 17 and a half. She's buying me a lottery ticket, and sending me a picture of her tattoo.
3. I miss Buster (the dog I think I mentioned in the previous post).
4. Going to see Iron Man 2 with Ashleytacular in a few minutes. I've never seen the first one, oh well.
5. I'm pumped to go to Cedar Point next Thursday, and the Tuesday after that, and a million times after that.
6. I can't type well while I'm singing.
7. My eyebrows definitely needed waxing, good thing I did that.
8. "Let's get rich and buy our parent's homes in the south of France."
9. My alarm clock is 5 minutes fast. I don't know why I don't just fix it.
10. 20 more days of school for me. But really 18 because I'm not going two days because of Cedar Point. But really probably 17 because I don't have to go in for one of the final days. WIN.

so much laughing and so much crying

2010-05-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

so today i went over my friend Dan's house. they just put their dog to sleep last week and i cried about seven times. i'll probably cry some more. he was pretty much my dog, because they've basically been my second family for the past seven years of my life. anyways, other than the sadness, whenever i'm at their house i basically pee my pants from laughing so much. this is just a random video on youtube that we watched that i thought was rather clever:

they cut my shift 3 hours on sunday, so now i only have 8 hours left.

2010-05-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

all this hours and shift stuff sounds really confusing when i try to type it out. but really it's simple, i worked 8 hours every day for friday, saturday, and i'm going to again today. so far, it's only been 16 hours. okay, so maybe i just make it sound confusing because when i reread that i'm not quite sure what i was talking about.

1. i run into the popcorn poppers too too much. i already have a nasty bruise on my right thigh from tuesday. and yesterday i just ran into a different one with my other leg. not nearly as hard, but a bruise and bump are still forming. good job sydney.
2. i made fun of matt for dropping things, and in the midst of doing that i spilled a large popcorn. that's 6.50 worth of popcorn right there! haha just kidding because movie theatres rip people off. BUT HEY, you do get a free refill.
3. the person who chose the flooring for the concession stand of cinemark obviously knew that i'd be working there. and that when someone like me spills things a lot (wet slippery things) THIS floor, the floor they chose, would be the most probable for someone to slip and fall on. thank you.
4. i highly dislike it when people try to hit on me at work. especially girls, have you been talking to my dad lately? haha..ha.
5. our drink carriers don't help someone who has 4 drinks. or even two drinks. or even one drink. you'd be better off just carrying the cup. we do forewarn you, "support the carrier from the bottom." but that's not that simple when you have a large popcorn, seven candies, a water bottle and lots of other overpriced items. in simpler terms, "our drink carriers break, don't ask for one."
6. today is a sunday, and i'm working on satellite (side) concession once again. i HAVE mentioned that i'm bad luck on sundays on satellite right? i thought so.

things that happened during the first 8 out of 27 hours i'm working this weekend.

2010-05-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

1. I realized I truly am the most clumsy person at work.
2. I told Kera something that I never thought I'd tell anybody at work.
3. My coworkers officially think I'm both prude AND the most perverted person they work with. Does that make sense? I didn't think so.
4. Even though Charlie* has a load of douche-bag douchey-ness, he's quite fun to work with. And compliments me a lot. "Hey good lookin!" -typical greeting from him.
5. I'm still upset that one certain coworker has a girlfriend, because he is so gosh darn adorable.
6. I just realized this is more of a list of things that I realized than things that actually happened? Maybe it's both.
7. Certain people in the break room need to not spill their sexcapades. Ok.

*Name changed because, yes.

i just have a few things to say today.

2010-05-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

1. my stomach has been killing me all day.
2. my best friend Jess won a poetry contest today. this morning she kept saying she sucked at writing, she should have listened to me when i told her that she was awesome. DUH.
3. i got honorable mention in that same poetry contest.
4. i almost passed out in front of an audience reading my poem.
5. my stomach has been killing me all day.
6. i might play on the golf team next year.
7. why am i so obsessed with this one kid cudi song? 'i'm on the pursuit of happiness and i know..' rap usually isn't my thing on a normal day.

just something from creative writing.

2010-05-03T17:18:00.000-07:00

“I can’t believe you just bought the tickets without even shooting the idea by me. You did the same thing with the stupid apartment; you didn’t even see if I liked it or not,” Suzie threw the plane tickets across the room and picked back up her paintbrush. “And now I’m stuck painting this God-awful kitchen in attempts to make it something of a home to me.”
“Suzie, you need to calm down. You know I’m only trying to make you happy; I thought you liked surprises,” Charlie grabbed an unused brush and filled his own palette with the rosemary red his wife had chosen. “You’ve always said how much you wanted to go to London.”
“That’s not the point. I want to go to London, but not for my honeymoon. I thought you knew me,” she started making a list on the wall with places she would have preferred to go. “Hawaii, Aruba, Sydney, anywhere but London.”
Walking across the room, Charlie painted the words he started to say out loud, “I’m sorry.” He hugged Suzie until she felt like all of her insides were being squeezed out of her bellybutton.

“There’s nothing we can do about it now, though.”
“Nothing?”
“Nothing. I’m sorry. The tickets that I bought were such a good deal, but they were also non-refundable. I was sure you’d love the idea.”
“I just don’t understand how you haven’t learned what I like to be surprised about and what is the wrong thing to surprise me about.” While she was painting over his apologetic words with two extra coats she said, “A surprise birthday party, that would be something to surprise me about. Not our honeymoon. Not our apartment. Maybe we could sell the tickets to your parents or something?”
“Suzie, you know my parents don’t have that kind of money.”
“Then maybe it could be a gift from us?”
“We just got married and are going to have to pay for our own honeymoon. We just bought this apartment, how would we afford to send my parents on vacation as well?”
“Correction, you bought this apartment. I just thought you’d understand,” she dropped her paintbrush on the ground and splattered red around the bottom half of her jeans. “Damn.”
Charlie stared at the ground while still trying to concentrate on the wall he was painting, “I really don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry.”
“There isn’t anything else for you to say. We’ll go to London for now; I’ll compromise like I always do. It’s fine, nothing to worry about.”
“But a minute ago you were appalled at the idea.”
“No. No, it’s fine. I promise,” Suzie stuttered as she started to walk outside to the breeze that attracted her.
“Stop being stubborn.”
Turning around and impaling Charlie with her eyes she replied, “Stop acting like there’s anything I can do about it anyways. I have to act like I enjoy the idea, then maybe eventually the acting will turn into my real opinion. You never know. Kind of like how someone can think themselves into being sick. I’ll do that with my opinion about this trip to London.”

i've become addicted to fruity pebbles within the last week.

2010-05-01T06:27:00.000-07:00

i really have nothing to say, i guess i never do, but i've been thinking quite a lot. and i felt like blogging about what i was thinking. because some of the things are things that i just want to get off of my mind; they've been stuck there for a long while and i kind of want most of them gone. because they get me down a lot. other things are just random things on my mind.

1. so i'm in this band, sort of, and i don't like the music we play. but i like to please people, so i just kind of go with it.
2. for some reason i'm terrible at soccer this year, but it's still fun because that's the point.
3. probably one of the saddest things is when i hear a new song and i know my cousin Jess was never really here to listen to it.
4. i often happen to get myself into bad situations with guys.
5. my best friend is going to look beautiful tonight at prom and i love her.
6. i don't know what i'm doing today after my soccer game. maybe i'll wash my sheets.
7. i've gained about 20 pounds over the past school year. that's awful.
8. i have these two dreams. more like nightmares that i've been having basically back and forth for the past year. i hate them.
9. i really really really really like The Weepies. my soul mate needs to like them as much as i do. if i even really have a soul mate.
10. golf is going to be a blast, i'm rather looking forward to it this year.
11. the concept of ex-boyfriends is lame. i guess everyone's not the same. and i've only really dated two people. one was for over a year and he tells people he hates me and that i sleep around. i don't, i promise. and the other one i dated for less than a week, and he looks at me creepily when we walk past one another in the halls at school. i'm just not a fan of it. maybe that's why sometimes i don't want a boyfriend, because i don't want another ex.
12. f.y.e. only had one cd by The Weepies and it was cracked so i didn't want it.
13. so i'm listening to pandora radio, my station is 'tuned' to the weepies and music like the weepies, of course. and so i've had this other song written on my hand for about a week now that i said i have to listen to called "First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes and it just came on. that made my day probably.

so today my dad asked me if i was a lesbian..

2010-04-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

I guess I can understand where he's coming from, but there are also a lot of reasons that prove him to be wrong.

Reasons Why Someone May think I like Girls:
1. My friend Halle and I decided to be 'in a relationship' via facebook as a joke. A joke.
2. I'm a very touchy feely kind of person, so..?
3. My grandpa called my dad concerned because at my cousin's debutant ball I asked our table, "If one of the debutants was a lesbian and wanted their escort to be their girlfriend, what would they do?" And that was out of pure curiousity. I also predicted the number of chicken it would take to feed that entire room, it was 450 chicken. I'm just random Grandpa, calm down.
4. I used to have my best friend Jess labeled as 'Girlfriend (:' in my phone.

Reasons Why I'm Definitely into Males:
1. I love to flirt with them. Love to.
2. Boys are attractive, nuff said.
3. I had a boyfriend for over a year. I had him labeled as 'Boyfriend (:' in my phone at the same time as Jess was apparently my girlfriend.
4. I'm just random Grandpa, calm down.

i just wanted to cry today, all day.

2010-04-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

and that's not a very happy thing to say at all. My week has just been so very different from the usual. Just a lot of complicated things that I never would have expected to happen, happened. It was strange and I'm not sure if I liked it yet or not. Also, my left eye is throbbing right now and I rarely ever wear makeup except for the fact that I went to a concert tonight so I felt it necessary to put on eyemakeup. I think a little got in there so I was rubbing it (because it SHOULD help). Rubbing it doesn't help though, I promise. Now I have a spot of black on my hand and my eye probably looks like a raccoon, but I'm just not going to look at myself until I wake up in the morning for my very first soccer game of the season. Which I normally would be ecstatic about except for the fact that my legs are still hurting from Thursday's practice. Just a little heads-up: Having your cousin who is only 6 months older than you as your coach will KILL you. But I still love her. Oh, but this concert I went to was solid. Because Say Anything is solid. Okay, so I never really even listened to them before this week. But Max Bemus says it's okay. I'm not sure if that's how you spell is name, give me a break. I'm a new fan, but that's the point. This was a completely pointless post but I wasn't in the mood to go to bed JUST yet when I got home so I decided to type something and this is what ended up coming out. I apologize for my complete lack of being interesting, all. the. time.

i just bought too much music.

2010-04-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

Probably somewhere around forty or fifty dollars worth of music. Why does it cost so much just to listen to pretty things? I really need to consider illegal downloading. JUST KIDDING; I'm a Law Abiding Citizen. Which I just watched that movie. It's quite good, not amazing, but good. I'm going to a concert on friday and I'm pretty pumped about it. I have nothing of any importance to say whatsoever. But really, I have homework to do now.

Here's a video for the greater good:

Third Base

2010-04-18T05:32:00.001-07:00

He and I hold silent conversations and quiet
applause when she steps up to bat. You
can tell by the stance and eager look
painted on her eyes that she means
business. Like a bull, she scrapes
dust back with her right foot—
prepared for battle. The baseball
sprints from the pitcher’s hand
straight until the collision with
Nikki’s bat. Flawless hit. She
pushes the wooden cylinder to
the ground—it’s not important
anymore—getting a home run
is. Scoring points is. And she’s
gone. Cutting first base into
a perfect corner, she makes
her way to second. You
can smell her concentration
from her pursed lips. Focus.
Determination. Fast. She
rounds second and is
now on somewhat of
a curve towards third,
halfway there. At some
moment, her stare
cracks to her peripherals
and she spots the
other team with the
ball. They’re gaining,
stretching their leap
past the limit their
body seems to give.
Only centimeters
away from getting
her out, she dives
for the white patch
on the ground.
Her scream eats
away at my
eardrums as the
rickety bone
of her ankle
cracks apart.
Out.

Coming Back

2010-04-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

You left me to go to the moon
and back. Well, you never
mentioned the coming back
part, but you did. It was
kind of like the first year
you know Santa isn’t real
and if you were to wake
up to more gifts on Christmas.
Unexpected, that’s what you
are. Maybe like that puppy
I lost three months ago, but
I already fell in love with
a new one; and your fur
is now crunchy with dirt.
Disappointing, that’s what you
are. I think about Ohio
weather when Spring starts,
but one day the snow decides
to return to newscasts.
Unnecessary, that’s what you
are. Your hair has grown
out to questionable lengths;
your face has more than ten
scars filled with fear. Love is
an astronaut; it comes
back and it’s never the same.
The difference is, rather than
crying on your sleeves
for you to stay, I’m pushing
your shoulders to get away.

The Apple Tree by the Swings

2010-04-16T10:56:00.000-07:00

We swing on swings to reach apples.
Each pump throwing us higher into
the shady leaves, while we try to punt at
the red robins. Back down to my mom
each time, begging her for more. Hours
and hours, adding up to days, pass by
and I always return to her and she
always keeps me going. The rickety,
rusted chains stain the creases of my
fingers with sweat and excitement.
This apple is mine. At the highest
point I twitch as I let my left hand
off of a safety and grasp for the glittering
red tasty treat. An arrow of sunlight
cracks through the tree onto the fruit’s
surface, creating a spotlight for the
natural artwork. I swear I’m a breath
away from having it. I grip the chain
again and become a pendulum towards
the lawn my dad just mowed. Hands like
jets shoot into my shoulder blades, again.

But as I grow taller and taller
it seems as though the apple
is only getting further and further
away. Or maybe the swing is
shrinking, playing tricks with my head.

But as I grew taller and taller,
my mom could only watch from
her wheelchair. And the wood
from the playground rots and
molds on rainy days. Eventually,
there won’t even be an apple to grab.

Mutter Seil

2010-04-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

Her makeup is perfectly sprinkled
over every wrinkle on her
fragile, aged face. Her
brown eyes are closed and
perfectly relaxed. She’s
in her Sunday best—freshly
washed, ironed precisely—A
more important occasion than
just church. I can see her lips
crinkle up just slightly at the end;
the same way she looked
whenever I’d tell her I loved
her. I hold her freezing hand
and softly smooch her forehead
just because Dad says. Then,
my vision widens as I step
back and see my great
grandmother encased in a
wooden box at ninety-three.

My Kind of Girl

2010-04-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

She chews on her lips to attract boys.
Her pointed, alligator like K-9
digs into her fair skin. Her dirt
brown hair shades every other part
of her face other than the raspberry
glossed mouth being bitten. It’s almost
as if she’s trying to give herself a
lip piercing with her tooth, but that’s
not it. It’s her newest technique. Smooth
talking and batted eyelashes never
got her anywhere. When she’s asleep, or
eating and her mouth’s closed, the
dots of green and blue bruises radiate
for all to see. A turn-on of a sort. Cameras
are flashing, illuminating her wonderful
lips as she walks towards my own
shaking body. And that lone white tooth
effortlessly matches the silky, white gown
she’s nearly tripping over down that
long, narrow, almost never ending, aisle.

Trampoline

2010-04-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

It was close to seventy degrees
outside on the Wednesday that
my dad decided to attempt
the assembly of our newest toy.

This 25 square foot black springy
tarp promised many laughs
and lots of busy nights.
It took my dad six rough hours.

By the time the sky turned
blue, I felt myself spinning
throughout the clouds. A
twist and shout here and

there to keep the neighbors up.
I was on my own planet
when I was bouncing. Up
and down, coming back

to Earth only when I wanted.
Animals began pouring from
the sky and I was unprepared,
but still unwilling to return

inside. Apparently I wasn’t
welcome on my planet any
longer because with one drop
of water, my foot flopped

upwards and tossed my
worn out body to the mud.

Playtime

2010-04-12T09:06:00.001-07:00

I comb through her tight ends to
make my baby sister smile. Untangling
each and every knot separately
until she looks like the princess
she knows she is. I touch my fingers
to her scalp like a pianist—precise,
gentle. A sister love kind of caring.
Styling it up or curling it down,
as long as she’s a model.

Salon time’s over and I thrust her
around in circles on the plastic
purple chair in our playhouse
basement. Mom’s calling for lunch.
We walk past the mirror before the
stairs and I see her imagination
sweat out of each pore when she
sees her plain head. Five-year-olds
shouldn’t have to throw up
daily; five-year-olds shouldn’t
have to pay the expense of
staying overnight, many nights,
at a medicine reeking hospital;
five-year-olds shouldn’t be bald.

Late for Work

2010-04-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

Sirens blaze through the air
directly into my ears. Everything
stops moving, like when something
blocks a dog’s trail—giving up.
Giving up on uncertain wishes
to finally make it to work
on time. What time is it anyways?
Three seconds later—sirens cut
through everything. They are
everything. They are a sign of
life, a baby being born; of help,
saving kids in car accidents; of
death on the run. But really,
what time is it? I’ve been still,
cringing at the consistency of the
awful sound. I’m so going to be late
for work. “10:34,” someone crunches
the words through my eardrums. But
really, my eardrums are no longer
there. And neither am I, because
even I didn’t hear it over the
sirens, “Time of Death: 10:34.”
I won’t be going to work today.

i still remember the Easter morning my dad caught a rabbit.

2010-04-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

I thought it was the Easter Bunny. But that's not where I'm going with this post... I still need to pack for Florida. So far, all I've done is carry the suitcase up from the basement to my bedroom; I'd say that's some real progress right there. All in all, I know that waiting to pack this long is my faul, and I know I'm going to have to wait to pack for at least another five hours because of Easter Lunch/Dinner at the grandparent's house with my cousin's and all this great family, blah blah blah. No but really, it is a lot of fun. When we're done eating the men of the family all decide that it's 'sleep on the couch' time and all the lovely ladies decide it's 'clean all the dishes and wash the entire kitchen down before playing a nice game of progressive rummy.' To be clear, my brother also plays cards with us. Our card games usually take about two hours, I can barly handle it. But, before all the exciting events of the day, I figured it might be somewhat helpful for me to at least type out the necessities I need to get together.

1. Nailclippers; because I always hate when I have a hangnail and NOBODY around has a pair of nailclippers for me to use.
2. Clothes (roughly four pairs of shorts; four tshirts; four tank tops; one hoodie; 2493827 pairs of shoes, because that's how i am; bathing suit; socks; underwear; bras)
3. Toothbrush and toothpaste; I could rely on someone elses toothpaste, but usually I dislike the flavor other people use. Therefore, I'm resorting to bring my hefty tube along with me.
4. Razor; I'm going to be in Florida for goodness sake, I need to stay fresh and suave.
5. Make-up, sunscreen, that kinda stuff; because it's important in some ways.
6. Face wash; because i break out like a disco dancer.
7. Pillow and blanket; for the bus ride.
8. Math book, notebook, and Creative writing folder; because I'm a nerd and do my homework when I'm on vacation.
9. Camera; a definite need.
10. iPod charger, phone charger, camera charger
11. Oh yea, my Ipod and phone.
12. SUNGLASSES
13. Hairties and headbands
14. Tampons
15. Beach towel; yikes, almost forgot to type that one.
16. Pajamas; almost forgot that too.
17. CapriSun, LOTS of CapriSun.
18. Shampoo, conditioner, bodywash
19. Straightener and blowdryer (these are maybes, because I rarely use them anyways)
20. Glasses and contacts

As of right now, I can't think of anything else. But I know I'll probably throw a bunch of junk in my suitcase if there's extra room. Woooo spring break!

my nailpolish is almost already completely chipped off.

2010-04-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, my toenail polish is almost perfectly intact. I don't really understand that, but I'll go with it.

Things that I don't like about the morning:
1. how itchy my eyes always are.
2. no matter what, i'm never the perfect temperature. i'm either way way too hot or way way too cold.
3. the birds and animals or my father always tend to wake me up a half hour before i truly want to.
4. having to decide if i want to take a run then a shower, or just give up on the run and shower instead. in general, just deciding what to do first. then, i realize that i never really decide until i lazy around for a few hours and maybe blog about it, ahem, then finally do what i originally set out to do.
5. sitting up and looking at my floor. my messy, messy floor.
6. being overwhelmed with my messy floor and thinking about how i should probably clean it today. but knowing i won't clean it for another month.
Here's a picture of my room, just so you may understand a bit better...
(only half of the picture decided to show up; and that's only one half of my room anyways, but you get the jist)
7. not knowing what to wear; i'm definitely a girl in that sense.

Stuff that I enjoy about the morning:
1. good morning text messages or calls (on most days)
2. hot cocoa.
3. if it's a nice day, like today, the sun gleaming through my window.

Song of the Day:

i just painted my toenails.

2010-04-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

and my fingernails, but that was during german class today. so it's about 2:20 right now and i have a lot of possible things that i could be doing today. i think sometimes i make too many plans because i'm pretty sure that only one of the plans will even end up working out. and i have nothing that is a necessity to do today anymore (i already went for a run and a walk and showered) so it's pretty much whatever i'll enjoy the most. but the issue with deciding this way is that i'm pretty sure i will enjoy them all equally, but in different ways.

1. see, my first option is to hang out with joshua. i like to say joshua instead of josh. i'm pretty sure that our relationship seems awkward in many more ways than one. but he's funny and i'm sometimes funny, therefore i'd be in for a lot of laughs if i chose this decision. downside(s): he probably still likes me a small amount and he definitely has a girlfriend. this could create a bad situation.

2. go to chinese with my very bestest friend jess and her other best friend kelsey who i would also consider my friend. of course, hanging out with my best friend is always bound to be a blast and kelsey is a pretty sarcastically hilarious person. downside(s): money and greasy foods are no gooood.

3. movies with heather. i love heather; and bobby might be working. two equally great things. downside(s): the weather is beautiful so why wouldn't i want to be outside and heather has yet to respond to this option so it's probably not even an option anyways.

4. driving around with halle while she takes pictures because it again, is beautiful outside. to begin, halle is my unofficially official 'facebook' girlfriend. yes, we're dating. i like this option because i get to be outside, it's free, and me and halle are still building our friendship so YES. downside(s): i don't get chinese.

5. sitting at my computer for the rest of the day either playing Sims 2 Pets or trying my darndest to find Season 6, Episode 1 of Lost. Because I need to catch up on this season. I didn't watch the first 5 seasons in roughly a month just to have to wait for the 6th season to come out on dvd. just, no. by the way, to enhance my experience i will keep the window that's two feet to my right wide open because yet again, it is beautiful outside. i may or may not play music during the Sims option. downside(s): this is fat and a lazy excuse for 'enjoying the weather,' and, i don't get chinese.

i swear the title of my blog should be 'lists and poems' because that's all this is ever. cool.

Song of the Day (courtesy of iTunes shuffle):

oh how i love my lists

2010-03-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

things that i'm going to miss next year:

my best friend Jess; she will be away at college
weekly starbucks with Allie
being able to say, 'i still have a year to decide what to do'

things that i'm not going to miss next year:

royalaires and the majority of the people on it
being at the high school
alex being 10 hours away from me; because next year he will be only about 5 hours away. win.

i have nothing better to post today, sorry for the boring-awfulness of this.
Song of the Day:

i'm officially bad luck on sundays.

2010-03-28T17:39:00.000-07:00

to begin with, i changed the looks and title of my blog. i liked this backround and setup better, but my old title looked odd because it was rather long. that's all with that.

Favorite Quote of the Day: "You know what? You’re an individual, and that makes people nervous. And it’s gonna keep making people nervous for the rest of your life."

Now, anyways. With the bad luck. So last week I told you all about my flood then fire escapades. This week, not nearly as bad, but pretty good evidence that if I'm scheduled for satellite (side) concessions on a sunday, it shall be an interesting day. Pretty much, I started at 1 o'clock and it was around 1:20 when Joe and I were almost ready to flip the lightswitch on and open up our concession stand. Our popcorn popper just wasn't working so he had to go to the main concession stand and tell a manager about that situation. After he was gone for about twenty seconds, the power decides to go out. Cool. So I run through the back door of the stand and out to see my manager telling me to get the people out of the two theatres closest to me and send them to the lobby. No big deal, not at all. Except when people are in a theatre and the power goes out they think it's only them. Then they flip out and get angry. I don't like to deal with those sorts of customers. Joe and I were then told to stay on our east side concession stand and watch the registers, because they're known to randomly pop open when the power goes out, or something, and we wouldn't want anybody to steal anything. So Joe and I go into party mode, and I literally pull out my phone and play one of the five songs that happen to be on my phone, 'Party in the USA,' perfect choice. Dancing on the concession stand is what we do best, literally on it, not behind it. That would be too... normal. After that, the fun was over when we were told to help clean every single theatre (I think there are 24?) with the ushers and EVERYONE. So I guess it wasn't all that bad because it took about five minutes with all the people we had. Then we were pretty much given busy work: Clean the windows, dust the movie posters, stainless steel EVERYTHING. The stainless steel was my job. Cool. "Anything that's silver," were Kera's exact words when I asked her what to clean. But it was fine because I had Antonio near me who was playing his rap loudly on his phone, then a manager comes over and turns on his walkie next to it. So this ghetto rap is playing throughout the whole place. That was silly. Then Joe and I were sent back to our stand to clean everything up that we had originally opened for nothing. We kinda cleaned it... somewhat. Then we got to leave. It was actually kind of fun, but on the downside Cinemark lost a lot of money today.

So, that story was one of those 'you had to be there' kind of things. Did I mention that MY register, of ALL the registers was one of the few things to keep power throughout the whole thing. So that was odd, and partially why I assume it was my fault.

Song of the Day (courtesy of iTunes shuffle):

i just recently watched 'the wedding singer' for the first time.

2010-03-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

I pretty much am biased towards any movie with both Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in it. Not that they're my favorite actor and actress or anything, but as a pair I feel like the connect really well. And the movies always end up with the cutest endings that inevitably make me smile. That's all I have to say right now.

Song of the Day:

When You Leave Me

2010-03-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

When you tell me that you don’t
want me, I can just feel the burning
water slapping me across the face.

The smell of dirt becoming mud
creeps to my nose throughout
the steam that is rising to the ceiling.

The hazy droplets from my hair
combine with the foggy tears
as they slip through the drain.

When you tell me that you don’t
need me, the combination of water
and of air pricks my skin.

I become ice and fire at the
exact same time, but the freezing
and burning are counter reactive.

The freshness of the conditioner
barely glides through my ruddy
haystack hair. I’m ready to get out.

When you tell me that you don’t
care, I reach for the warm brown
towel waiting to make me dry.

Smoothing over every area of my
bare skin, thinking nothing of you,
but instead of what to wear.

Squeezing into my jeans and my new
black pumps, it’s time to get filthy
and unclean so I can wash up again.

if someone bought me a moleskin journal, i would love them.

2010-03-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

that title has nothing to do with what i'm going to type here. well, sort of, but not entirely. this post is about my idea of the perfect boyfriend. i feel like this is sort of a cliche topic to talk about, but i don't care. i'm really happy in my own dreamworld imagination and this is what i'm thinking about so yes. if you don't want to read it, then don't, but here it goes;

he would scream 'i love you' even if i was one hundred meters away from him, not caring who heard him. he would go on walks with me in 40 degree weather, holding hot cocoa in one hand and my own hand in the other. he would brush my hair out of my face when it was in the way, and then give me that cute crooked smile when i brushed it back. he would be able to tell when something was wrong, but never ask me about it just give me the most sincere kiss on the forehead because that's what he knows he can to do make it better. he would be able to sing and dance in front of me and let me call him a weirdo. but he'd let me do the same thing in front of him and enjoy every minute of it. he wouldn't be shy around my family, but be part of it. he would come over my house at 8 o'clock in the morning whenever we didn't have school and take me to a park just to push me on the swings. we could sit on my front porch all day long because there is nothing else to do, but never be bored. we'd also watch thunderstorms together and play in the rain when it's safe. he would lay in bed all day with me with the windows wide open and sun streaming in listening to the new downloaded music of the week. he'll remember our anniversaries before i do. he will know when i'm craving mac n' cheese or when i hate it; same goes for grilled cheese, ramen, and tortellini because i have to be in the right mood. he'll walk through walmart (or target) with me laughing at all the ludicrous products that we don't understand why people buy them; and then we'd buy them and laugh while using them. he'll give me his sweatshirt when he's freezing and not making me feel guilty about it. he would rent all the chick flicks he could find and watch them with me on days that i'm feeling ill. he'll let me look like crap, but not let me feel like i'm anything less than beautiful. he'll call me at night right before i go to bed to make sure he's the last voice i hear. he's smarter than me, but not cocky or arrogant. he'll spend my birthday with me and my crazy family. we'll ride rollercoasters together, often, and hold our hands in the air together the entire time. he won't ever buy me flowers, but rather more exciting, random, and useful things. he'd run up and hug me whenever he sees me. he'll believe in me, and my life, and my writing. he will argue with my best friends about who loves me more. he'll understand that i don't like kissing in front of people, but still do it randomly because it's surprising. he will have hot cocoa ready for me every morning when i wake up, even in 100 degree weather. he will have random tv show marathons with me for hours while eating cookie dough. he'll hold me tight when i'm crying, just simply hold me. he picks his friends over me sometimes, and let's me do the same with mine. he'll love all the dinners that i ever cook for him, even though i can't cook in the least. we would learn something new about eachother every day.he will remember everything i say, and care about it. he'll let me laugh at him when he's being silly and laugh back at me when i act like a dork. every day he'll tell me he worries about me because i'm such a clutz. we'll sit in the basement and read a book outloud to eachother playing 'popcorn' while our clothes are in the washing machine because it's more time together. he won't pressure me into drinking or anything else. he'll let me be me, all day every day, and he'll love it. and he won't ever get jealous because he already knows that i love him more than anything and when he says forever he means it, no matter what. he's my perfect guy, but he's no where near perfect all at the same time.

seriously, does he exist? and i apologize for the grammar in that because i'm sure the verb tenses change every two seconds. and there's also probably a million more things i could name. the end.

Song of the Day:

i'm way too awkward of a person at interviews.

2010-03-22T11:20:00.001-07:00

Song of the Day:

These kids looked like they were enjoying themselves, therefore I chose this video.

To add to my blog today;
I was reading a random article online about why men cheat. Or something like that. I don't believe it's valid at all, maybe that's because I'm not a man so I just don't get it. But if you're a male can you please read this article and agree with me that it is false. Just please, because this just sounds horrible. Thank goodness the author is listed as anonymous or I'd find him and kick him in that place where the sun don't shine. But maybe it shines for him, that's just awkward. Ew, his wife needs to get a clue or something. But no, he's a pro. How about I just stop talking about it and you read it??
http://www.esquire.com/features/reasons-why-men-cheat-0410#ixzz0iuqq8402
p.s. I'm sorry I couldn't get the 'attach a link' thing to work, I tried about 7 times before giving up. So just copy and paste that into your browser and I'm sure you'll find the article just splendidly.

i was really counting on getting called off work today.

2010-03-21T08:48:00.001-07:00

Song of the Day:

and that's pretty much all i have for you today. but it's a quite good song so i suggest that you actually listen to it rather than scrapping this post.

So I originally wasn't planning on posting a legit story today or anything, but then again when I go to work it's always going to be an interesting day. So anyways, I was on the side concession stand (the most boring place to be working ever) and I was all alone. I think in the five hours that I was at work I had a total of fifteen customers. Well, anyways. I was on maybe my second customer and she ordered a Rootbeer, so obviously I was filling her rootbeer at the poptower when the whole thing decided to blow up. At least that's pretty much what it did. Water was spraying everywhere; all over me, the customer, the floor, just.. EVERYWHERE. So after me being drenched for about five minutes an usher finally decides to walk by and they rush to call a manager and one comes to the rescue. Except for it wasn't a very quick rescue, because it took nearly twenty minutes to figure out how to stop the waterworks. So now we're both wet, the pop tower is torn into a million pieces, and we smell smoke. Awesome. Now that I've flooded the place it's going to be set on fire. What a great day, don't you think? The water from the poptower got over these really really hot lightbulbs that are in a sign that we have. Mind you, these lightbulbs are never really ever turned off so they're extremely hot. So we open up the top of the advertisement and smoke starts flooding the entire area. It smelled awful. So my manager like starts walking towards the main concession stand and I don't even know what to do because it smells and looks like fire. So obviously fire extinguisher right, maybe I should have paid attention to those safety videos. Luckily, it was right behind me within arms reach so I grabbed it and started extinguishing the possibility of a huge fire burning down the entire building. In the end, I had to use the other poptower and clean up the entire wet concession stand by myself and work for three more hours while still slightly damp. Thank you Cinemark.

we were all out of baking soda.

2010-03-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

today when i was making cookie dough i realized that we didn't have baking soda. all i had measured out at this point was the flour and i didn't know if i just wanted to stop becaue of the lack of the baking soda. after about ten minutes of thinking, and having a major brain fart, i realized that since i'm just making the cookie dough to eat the dough and not BAKING the cookies that the BAKING soda wouldn't really actually make a difference. lucky for me, it didn't. also, when i licked a small bit of butter that made it onto my finger when measuring that out it made me think of when i was a little girl and i enjoyed eating butter. literally, i would take a spoon full of butter whenever my mom was baking and just eat it. i'm convinced i liked that more than the actual food my mom ended up making. ohhhh six year old me.

Song of the Day:

because i'm a big fan of traditions

2010-03-19T06:41:00.001-07:00

here are a few that i have that may be new or old:

1) Starbucks with Allie weekly
2) Download a new song daily (and just so 'Elena aka Suzy' knowwsss i AM titling my playlist 'inspired by suzy' because that's pretty muchhh where i got the idea)
3) Buy a new outfit weekly (mostly so I have a wardrobe other than tshirts and jeans for my senior year)
4) Go to the Kiln and paint pottery with my cousins monthly
5) Walk for a half hour to an hour daily
6) Write at least three poems per week (kind of a tradition?)

have any other good ideas for traditions that i would probably enjoy, then please do let me know!

Song of the Day:

That Old Bench in the Grass by the Playground

2010-03-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

The bench is a rusted old red
that has been mushed into this
muddy green grass for roughly
twenty years. A lot can happen
in just twenty years. Terrorists
terrorize cities, wars can
bring home warriors and,
the dead. The dead die, but
never leave. How many people
have filled their cheeks
with cold tears while hanging
over the handrail on this bench?

Or what about first kisses,
girls blushing their hearts
out and young boys sweating
through the process?

How many birds have left
the remains of this morning’s
tasty worm?

Or kids with scrapes being
comforted?

What about novels? Has
anybody spent seven hundred
plus hours crouching on this
now pink bench and written a
New York Times Best Seller?

How many?

How many people,
exactly,
have seen a person,
a brown eyed blonde girl
spending an entire day
scribbling nothing on
a pad of paper that doesn’t
exist to her—or anybody else?
And how many,
how many have cared?

precalculus m/w five thirty to seven fourty-five

2010-03-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

every monday and wednesday night,
i slouch in my night precalc class.
the young adults and old women
sitting around me looking to further
their education seem appalled
that i know all the answers.

there’s this boy, this kid, roughly
twenty years old with a baseball cap.
he sits in the opposite corner
from me, in the back while my
face is pressed against the chalkboard.
he probably thinks i’m such a geek.

stereotypes are so last year,
but it’s not like i even know his name.
at least not yet. tonight is a monday,
it’s our seventeenth class out of thirty.
i’ll get my chance one day, maybe,
probably not.

so i shut up and slouch in my seat.
scribbling fake notes and pretending
to text. pretending to look like i don’t
care. why pretend? so that he feels
connected to a me that isn’t really me?
but maybe that is me, i mean,
i am writing this poem
instead of solving number fourteen.

glances at the scratchy chalk
it might be helpful to know
how to actually do that. because
when the test is passed out, in
seven days, i need more than just my
lame excuses for teenage prayers
of getting a good grade.

i slyly throw my pencil on the
mangled carpet, it looks like i dropped it.
i didn’t. i let out a silent yawn
as i curve my torso towards that boy.

i pick up my pencil
and,
he looks at me.
progress,

that’s enough for today.
i still have twelve more days,
give or take a few,
i should start paying more
attention in math.

two things on my mind today while reading poetry and listening to music.

2010-03-15T06:29:00.001-07:00

first of all, my title is going to be almost as long as my post. second of all, my thoughts:

1. i've decided that i want kids. that's whether or not i get married. i'll adopt. i won't marry just to have kids, duh. because i'm still not so sure i'll ever even find the person i love or whatever anyways. p.s. i'm kind of liking the names russell and katherine.

2. rather than being the kind of person who buys a coffee every morning on their way to school/work (now and later in life) i'm going to buy a new song or two per day. to add to my music collection. because i feel like that'll make me just as awake as caffiene in a cup.

p.s. i'm adding this on a day after i originally posted this. i also like the name charlotte.
update (october 5, 2010): i like the name oliver as well.

"someone gave you flowers..."

2010-03-12T08:52:00.000-08:00

My aunt handed me the simple vase. Daisies sprouted out bending in every direction. The yellow petals gleamed in my pupils, the water was fresh and translucent - I could see the green stems creating a labyrinth near the bottom. I imagined the small H20 molecules getting lost, searching and finding nothing. A maze that leads to nowhere. I whispered a polite "thank you" as I opened my palm and she placed the flowers into my grip. It was heavier than I thought, but still beautiful in a weak sort of way. I didn't want them.

My eyes shifted over to my mom as I waited for her approving glance. It took me a while to realize that I had gotten the only daisies in the room. They weren't really from my aunt, they were from one of the hundreds of people who knew my cousin. The ones in my hands were from Christine something-or-other. I'll never know her. I wish I did, I wish I knew why she chose daisies. Was it something special between her and my cousin? It wasn't something special between my aunt and I.

But I was taught to be courteous. I wrapped my free arm around my aunt's everlastingly trembling body. She sobbed - I reminded her. My blonde hair soaking up her tears while I supported her; my thin body against hers. I'm not Jessie - I reminded myself - and then I distanced myself from everyone for as long as I could. I didn't want to be known as the reminder.

But I still have my own reminder of that day so long ago. A shriveled up, gray old daisy gently sleeping on my bedside table day and night. It's my favorite kind of flower.

we're telepathic, or something

2010-03-11T10:57:00.000-08:00

Just a short, short, short story to tell that I probably laughed about for 30 minutes straight. But it won't be funny to you guys, I can pretty much guarantee it.

My cousin Nikki and I were driving home from the movies last night when this song came on the radio. Sadly, I don't remember what song it was. We were in the middle of a conversation when we both stopped and started singing it at the same time. Stopped singing at the same time, started singing at the same time again. Chuckled softly. Then basically punched eachother's hands while reaching for the volume at the same time. We laughed forever, it was crazarrr. I don't even know what telepathic means, but that's the explanation that I gave to my mom when I told her the story. Hahaha.. ha.. ha.

we watched a video that talked about tuning forks today in physics.

2010-03-08T15:51:00.000-08:00

and when i was watching some episodes of lost (i'm on season three and it's been about a week and a half!) they had a record player and me being the thinker that i am, thought about it. i honestly don't know how people invented those things, or even thought about it. i mean i'm sure their initial thought was that they wanted to have the amazing music that someone played to be saved and listen to over and over and forever, but how did they manage to actually invent a record? i'm one hundred percent positive that i wouldn't be able to do that. then, dummy me, starring at a tv never even though about how that one worked out. i mean, i guess i may have been told before but because tvs have been around during my entire lifetime so far, i never really thought twice about it. moving talking picture on a screen that SOMETIMES could be happening at the same exact time as the actual event. that's actually pretty intense. that this small video recording device, sometimes called a camera, can just be pointed at whatever it wants and this satellite thingymabob can just send that image.. moving AND talking to wherever it wants to, with the added fact that they need to have this really big glass screen thing in that place where they're sending it. wow, humans really are amazing. thanks, God.

if you're not my manager, please don't yell at me for doing nothing wrong.

2010-03-07T18:55:00.001-08:00

so today was a relatively good day at work. nothing too good, nothing too bad. so finally when i was just finishing up closing my side concession stand with hayley, we were pushing a cart of garbage to the other side of the theatre to dispose of it. so it just so happened that at the worst time, in the worst possible place one big bag full of popcorn (tied closed so nothing fell out) rolled off of the cart right in front of a customer. nobody was hit, nobody was hurt. no harm, no foul? right? apparently i was wrong, especially when i laughed.. that was very wrong. it was quite silly, to just see a clear bag of popcorn tumbling across the hallway. somewhat like a tumbleweed. i thought it was funny. mr. blue shirt black hair glasses manager who doesn't even know my name didn't think it was funny. here is what he said, or at least what i remember he said: 'that bag that fell could have hit a customer and could have made a customer very pissed. laughing about it was the last thing that you two should have done.' and then we made our apologies and he walked away. i got a little red in the face, but then remembered that he in fact, doesn't know my name so it would be impossible for me to be written up or suspended or terminated.. or something. so the point is, don't yell at me if you don't know me and if i didn't do anything wrong.

i have this irrational fear that i'm going to die in the shower.

2010-03-07T00:15:00.000-08:00

and nobody is going to find me for a very long time therefore i will drown and it will be too late to try cpr on me. that's really all i have to say because it's 3:15 in the morning and i have to wake up for church in roughly five hours and it will take me no less than an hour to even timidly fall asleep so i'm going to begin that treck now. sleeping was just starting to get easy, until wednesday. it's not even like anything life changing happened. just the sleep got bad again. and that makes me mad.

the song that popped up on my iTunes shuffle at this moment:

i thought the chinese people may or may not have added to the song. it was actually just the first result on youtube.

sometimes i wonder who decided to put all the ingredients together to make cookie dough.

2010-03-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

that's not the point. my mom told me to clean my room today and i decided against it. i decided to read my favorite blog instead, it's called 'it walked on my pillow dot blogspot dot com.' it's probably my favorite thing to read. more than the great gatspy, which i have read 11 times so i must like this blog quite a bit. if anybody out there is reading this, you should read that blog instead, i promise you that you'll enjoy it more than this.

heather is going to be over my house in a few minutes and i still have to put pants on. i do that sometimes, sit here in my underwear and i apologize if that's on the creepy side, but i'm home alone so who really cares anyways? we are going to see the movie shutter island (which i have already seen but i'm taking heather to go see today) and then cooking ourselves a gluten free dinner. because heather's body chooses to be allergic to everything a normal person isn't. we also will probably watch the movie the great gatspy because we have been trying to find a day to get together since before christmas (when she bought me this movie, and i love her for it). then we are going to do whatever else us girls do for fun. try not to take that in a bad way if you're a pervert or something.

heather's car just pulled in the driveway, now to put on some pants...

i think i may be getting somewhere.

2010-03-04T20:50:00.000-08:00

There's a possibility that I may have figured something out about myself today. I'm an extremely independent person and I guess I just never realized that before although it's always been true. I don't need to have someone tell me they love me every day or to hear that I'm beautiful once in a while. Don't get me wrong, those are lovely things, but not necessary. I just want to have fun is all, really, I'm a kid that's my point in life right now. So due to the fact that I feel like I don't need it, maybe that's why when I'm in a relationship with someone I don't always let them know how much they mean to me and all that good stuff. I think that's what happened with Luke. I think I talk about that too much, I always question what went wrong and where it went wrong. It was just so great, it's quite possibly the greatest thing that has happened in my life, yet, because I'm sure there are greater things to come. Because like I stated, I am in fact just a kid. I think that Luke is not such at independent kind of person, like me. He's a very dependent person, as a matter of fact. He always needed my approval, my praise, my everything. But I never really understood why, I guess I just think about myself to much. I'm a little bit selfish in that way, when I don't understand why someone is doing something or why they have this opinion I get a little frustrated and I know that's probably incredibly rude. I'm going to try to work on that. I'm not saying that I'm not an open minded person, because I let other people have their opinion, but I always try to weigh out why they feel that way. And for some reason I never understand it. Kind of like Luke always wanting so much and I never knew why. Now I think I know why. I'm talking in circles, I apologize. I realized this because I invited Bobby over today. I'm a horrible person, so beat me. And Bobby asked me if it bothered me that he didn't text me every day. I said that it doesn't, because that's the truth. I think at first I thought it did, like six months ago, but that's probably because I thought it should have bothered me. I know that doesn't make any sense. But when I'm feeling one way about something and I think that it's odd then I change my opinion, I literally change it. I don't lie, I just change. Because we're only human and we can do that. But today I realized it didn't bother me, it didn't matter at all. Then that got me to thinking, about how it always bothers Luke that I'm not texting him every minute of every day. By the way, I'm really hoping that somehow nobody comes across this and takes any offense to it because that would make me feel really horribly awful. But I don't even understand the point of blogging anyways. It's a way for me to sort out my life I guess, but that sounds dumb. Anyways, the point is is that that's why I think I like Bobby, as a person anyways. He's so honest, and he's a lot like me in a lot of ways. He's helping me figure myself out, because I obviously have no idea. And is that really such a bad thing, am I really being such a bad person? I don't think so.

Royal Flush

2010-03-03T20:18:00.000-08:00

Watching TV is playing a poker game.
Potato chips and gummy bears
were always better at bluffing than me.
The vivid colors appearing—alternating
on the screen make my eyes tingle.
I listen for familiar background tunes, but
all I get is Mr. Commercial Voice.
The cold mac n’ cheese has faded to white
throughout my day of being suctioned
to the frozen leather sofa.
I can still taste the crackling
static radiating from the tube.
Barack Obama interrupts my
not-so-interesting show with a
not-so-interesting update on our
not-so-interesting status in Iraq.
I’ve always been intrigued by the war.
TV has yet to become a use of time—days,
minutes, seconds wasted away in living rooms.
I’m obvs going to rot in this place,
because the rays from the TV are beginning
to invade through my skin—surely cancer.
I learned that on TV.
“You’re a twitch,” I recall them telling me.
The monopoly money of the world
will pay for everything eventually.
I’m as picky as a hooker,
chewing through men’s wallets
as I sit here on my sofa.
Australia would never do that to a person,
tomorrow she will pay them all back.
Because this sandy candy will find
treasure buried inside her one day.
I’ll have to learn how to make my own
money to lose it all again.
Das Geld is nicht sehr gut für die Eis.
As the TV kills itself, and the cancer
yanks the hair from my skin; Some day,
I will learn to play poker again.

Cartoon Romance, Age 18

2010-03-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

People under, say, eighteen, shouldn’t believe
that their love is ever-lasting,
inevitably pulling them from their mother’s arms, bruised faces

shattered after bruised faces, whole

body systems collapsing, all of it
acted out in pattern. At eighteen we are just beginning

the outlines to our futures,

that if a man creates a friend out of air
only he can talk to it.
Other people who attempt

will be speaking into cold wind. Eighteen-year olds
should stick to soccer games, marching bands,
grades going up and down—earthbound, tangible

events, moments

where they can become winners. You can score
goals in a soccer game, some people

have tutors, the hardships will come
with handbooks, if you fail

you will be forgiven. A child

exhales her breath onto the neck of a stranger,
& soaks his shirts with tears. She knows

the exact spot it will end, at which point
the blood will escape, who will forget sobriety
& who will be drowned under by shame. She will learn

that if she runs into a cave
she will not leave

until she notices her mistake.

Imitation of: Cartoon Physics, Part 1

blogging in my underwearsz

2010-02-20T07:07:00.000-08:00

So I haven't legitimately blogged for quite a while. I've just been posting poems from creative writing or videos or quotes or whatevs. But let's get down to business. I'm stuck with a major decision in my life right now and I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it or not.

To date Luke OR To not date Luke

This may not make much sense to most people. And to some people they think the answer is simple. Luke and I were a great couple, I'll give you that much and we ended over a simple misunderstanding. Which I actually think I may have mentioned on here once or twice before. Anyways, we're hanging out again and it's the shizz-nizz (wow I'm gay, seriously) but I'm just not so sure if I can do it. Like a relationship. I honestly enjoy being single, a lot, I flirt a bunch and have fun. I'm no hoe, no worry about that, it's just fun.

This blog is going nowhere and making no sense so I'm just going to stop before I get ahead of myself. p.s. I was going to post the song On My Own by Vincent Vincent and the Villians but for some reason youtube felt like being a bitch to me today and not allowing it. Faggot. Gosh, I apologize for anyone reading this. This post is kinda PG-13. LMAO. I need to get a life, totes magotes. I just watched I Love You, Man. I love that movie and the music in it. Peter Klavin says the most ridiculous things I love it. For realsnezz though, I'm out.

I need to clean my room which I said I'd do 9 days ago but I put off til now and it's only gotten 20 times worse. Bye-byezz. lolzz

What You Don’t Learn at School

2010-02-18T03:35:00.001-08:00

Matt scratches his notes on loose leaf
watching the examples.
So tired, almost the end of the day,
but he continues to learn.

Watching the examples,
he continues to practice.
So tired, it’s almost day’s end.
Exhausting, but necessary.

Matt continues to practice
with his kids, after returning from work.
Exhausted, but necessary
To keep his family going.

With his kids after returning from work,
He will continue to learn
to keep his family going—
after scratching his notes on loose leaf.

cute.

2010-02-17T10:28:00.001-08:00

I didn't write this and I don't know who did but I saw it online and I thought it was nice.

"They loved eachother, not driven by necessity, by the "blaze of passion" often falsely ascribed to love. They loved eachother because everything around them willed it, the trees and the clouds and the sky over their heads and the earth under their feet. Perhaps their surrounding world, the strangers they met in the street, the wide expanses they saw on their walks, the rooms in which they lived or met, took more delight in their love than they themselves did."

"write about leaving..."

2010-02-16T11:51:00.000-08:00

Whenever I think about leaving, I think about death. Can you blame me? I guess that's probably the most depressing thing to say, but it's not as if I can actually help it. Especially lately, because it seems to be the one year mark of everything. You all left. No 'goodbye,' no 'see you soon,' nothing. I am just left here standing. And I know you didn't leave on purpose, none of you did. But do you understand how many people are left here wondering alone? Sometimes I'm having a bad day, struggling to make it through and I need your pick me up, but your advice is gone with you. None of it is here. It seriously keeps me up at night. Me lying in my bed, my eyes digging into the ceiling wanting so badly to have some cheesy epiphany where you all pop into my bedroom. Or to hear your voices in the heating vents. Something, but all I get is nothing because you left. I don't know, I want all of you back so badly that when I first think of the word leaving I think about death, and of you. I don't think of hugs and kisses goodbye, I think of your bodies in coffins and it makes me shake. I don't think of leaving for school in the morning, I think of the hushed phone calls, the long talks about the meaning of life and death. I don't think of anything other than the fact that you left, but I still love you, despite that.

Abandonment

2010-02-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

The young girl is snuggled
up in love. Her grin is
confident—achieving perfection.

Chilled, worked on,
it took time. Tears and
long days—she’s growing still.

Her life is not exactly definite.
You know,
life is long and hectic.

So serious—too serious

Work is love.
Career is love.
Taco Bell is also, love—
on a dark day.

I am independent,
not affected from that love
but my love for myself—
abandons me one day too.

the worst feelings in life

2010-02-08T13:16:00.001-08:00

being told that someone is better than you.
knowing that you're being lied to.
letting yourself be beat down.
crying hard.
losing someone close.
watching yourself fade away.
falling apart because you're alone.
hating yourself.
not being good enough.
failing.
being told that 'she's prettier.'
being mad at someone because you're mad at yourself.
best friends falling apart.
being told that you're fat.
breaking up.
falling out of love.
being used.
being made fun of.
changing for someone else.
realizing that he doesn't love you.
falling asleep alone when you know he should be next to you.

anniversaries are stupid

2010-02-07T13:47:00.000-08:00

I hate that for the entire past year everything has been marked by the same thing. 'It's been three months since that happened,' 'now it's been a year.' It's been one year since my grandpa died, today. I hate that I didn't live at all last year, I missed out on it completely. Because nothing was beginning, everything was ending. I missed out on a year of learning, learning about myself because I was too busy worrying, too busy missing everything, and too scared that everything was just going to be over. I just pushed everything away and didn't welcome in any new chances. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, with anything. I don't know if what I'm doing is right or if it's totally wrong. I wish I knew. And my grandpa always had the best advice, he really did. He barely talked, but when he did, I listened and I held on to every word. I wish he had more words, more to talk about, to talk to me. But he's not here.

I lie all the time when I say I have no regrets. I regret probably 80% of the things that I did last year. I would take back all the fights with Luke, with Rachael. I would have spent that last day with my grandpa rather than trying to run away from it all and be with my friends. Then I got that phone call. God damn it. There's probably over a million people in the world who know how I'm feeling right now, but for some reason I feel like nobody gets it.

And not only like about the death fact, blah blah. But I always think about how it would be if I hadn't have ended it with Luke. I guess that's hypocritical but once I said I didn't love him I was stubborn. Like I always am, too stubborn to admit that I was wrong. So I forced myself not to. And I'm the worst person in the world for that. I was just scared. And that's why I'm so scared of commitment now or the reason I don't feel like any relationship is 'for me.' Because nobody makes me feel the way Luke did. And I'm just worried that nobody ever will. But I'm too stubborn to admit that except for on here and then later Jess will probably want to talk about it or something but whatever. I don't know.

I would give anything to just sit and talk to my grandpa right now.